wandering on purpose

marriage letters - an ordinary love letter

2012-01-30T22:19:00.001-06:00

joining with Amber and others in writing weekly marriage letters

Dear M,

I have a pile of thank you notes from Christmas still needing to be mailed out, and as I think about that, I realize how often I do not say thank you to you, how much I appreciate you, and how I enjoy being your friend.

There are few men out there that don't care if their wife prefers short hair, or who would rather have an extra five (or twenty-five) minutes of sleep rather than put on make-up, or who have worn sweatpants more in the last two years than she ever though was humanly possible. Thank you for being that type of rare man who tells me I'm pretty just as often on those sweatpants days as you do on the days when I actually put myself together.

You have never been intimidated by my trust issues, but instead you continue to stay by my side, even when I least deserve it. Your belief in loyalty, honesty, and perseverance are such an asset to our marriage and our family.

Right now you are in your office working on homework after a day of taking Bubby to the park, helping me with our sick baby, dealing with clients and no-shows, and probably a bunch of other things you don't tell me about so as not to burden me. You constantly make sacrifices and are trying to find a new field so that I can continue staying home with our boys. I know I do not show my appreciation enough for this. Thank you for working hard and not being bothered by all the material things we are missing out on at this phase of life because of my desire to be at home with our children.

There is so much more I would like to say, but it is getting late, as time always seems to by much more quickly once the babies are asleep.

I love you.

- A

MM 947-957

2012-01-29T20:47:00.001-06:00

“Eucharisteo—thanksgiving—always precedes the miracle.” - Ann Voskamp

This is one of my favorite Ann quotes - maybe one of my favorite anyone quotes.

At first glance one may think it is about some formula to manipulate God into some miracle-working-magic. Give thanks, then He will do what you want.

But it's not.

It's the reminder to give thanks in all things. That is the will of God.

Today in Sunday school a lady prayed that God would first heal our hearts with His joy.

As we pray for Bugaboo, as we pray for others who need healing, I pray that God would first heal our hearts to make them more attuned to Him, to make us more like Him.

joining with Ann's community:

Bugaboo making more improvements in his eating/chewing/swallowing skills ~ reconciliation that keeps being at work in my life ~ living still in Springfield (God has us here for some reason so I am embracing it) ~ Bubby making up songs in the morning ~ community here and around the world that is praying for my baby...this never ceases to amaze me ~ God teaching me about His unconditional love through my mommying ~ laundry detergent ~ throw pillow on the couch ~ toddler jeans clean at the end of the day ~ seven years of marriage ~ funny discussion about Academy Awards in which I learned The Hubs thinks Anne Hathaway is hot ~ new version of Blessed Assurance and humming the old version all day long ~

five minute friday - tender

2012-01-27T08:16:00.001-06:00

Write for five minutes on the word "tender." The rules are here.

go.

I hold him in my arms to nurse. The middle of the day times are not quiet, but in the morning and at night the world is usually blocked out. My youngest reaches out his hands to my face sometimes and smiles, a baby "thank you," and my heart feels so happy it could burst.

These moments are almost over for my babe and me. This week we are ending these moments. I feel sadness more than relief.

What will replace these tender moments? Our "conversations" in the morning before the day really gets started, him falling asleep on my shoulder at night.

Yes, I know they will continue, just in a slightly different way. Soon he will join big brother drinking independently from a sippy cup, and I will witness other tender moments, moments that include others rather than just me.

This is life - the balance of hanging on to some things and letting go of others - allowing for growth and change and possibility.

But for now I will hold on to my baby just a moment longer.

end.

why I'm taking a break from debating politics

2012-01-26T08:31:00.000-06:00

Since becoming a mommy, I have had little time to engage in politics. Sure, I've kept up on it as best as I could, but engage in discussion? Not very much.

I read this a few days ago, and I thought "hmmm, good for her, but not for me."

But then this week I watched a debate and the State of the Union. And I engaged on facebook and twitter. Because I am passionate about what I believe. My belief and responsibility strengths were in overdrive and they told my empathy strength to be quiet.

I ended up going to bed angry, frustrated, and sad. None of these things are good for me.

So I decided I'm not going to discuss politics on my social media venues until after the election. (Unless someone asks me specifically a specific question.) It's not because I don't think people of my faith should avoid politics. Quite the contrary. It's not because I think I've got it all right and everyone else is all wrong. (I don't - there are still many areas I am unsure of if I am really honest with myself.)

It's because I don't really like who I am when I let myself get riled up about things with people who I will probably never change nor will they change me.

And I have other things on my heart, other things to do, other things I am called to at this season of my life.

healing

2012-01-25T22:00:00.002-06:00

I requested prayer for healing tonight. Not in the traditional raise your hand in Sunday school type of way. Not in the typical Pentecostal come-on-down to the altar way. I requested via text.

We had to leave before the young adult gathering ended (because the nursery was closing and our kids were tired), but driving home I felt that we needed to ask for our small group to pray for Bugaboo. I argued with myself for a couple of minutes. But then I texted before I could talk myself out of it.

This may have been the most awkward prayer requesting I have ever done. Texting it? But the pastor tonight spoke on being willing to look like a fool for God, so here I am – looking perhaps like a fool for God and for my son.

I have a million thoughts going through my mind.

There are lots of people with bigger healing needs than Bugaboo. I’m being selfish to even think of requesting it.
Bugaboo just needs more time. He’s in physical therapy. It will all happen when it is supposed to.
He has a consult about his cyst on his eye in March. No big deal.
What have I done for God that He would want to heal my son of his developmental delays, muscle tone issues, and cyst?
I am going to look really stupid.
What if God doesn’t heal him? What if I am being too bold?

And these thoughts are STILL going through my head right now. Even though I’ve been praying. Even though I have asked for prayer. I honestly feel like I could throw up just thinking about hitting the "publish" button.

I wonder if those four guys who put the paralyzed friend through a roof had similar thoughts.

We’re going to take him to Jesus HOW? Through a roof?
What if Jesus doesn’t like the interruption?
What if Jesus doesn’t heal him? We are going to look really stupid.

But God tells us to approach His throne of grace with confidence.

So I am approaching the loving Father, and asking Him to work in Bugaboo’s body for His glory – whatever that looks like.

I’m praying that my thirteen month old will start scooting and crawling and pulling up.
I am praying for his low muscle tone to be strengthened.
I am praying for any sensory issues to be resolved.
I am praying for babbling and sounds and words and communication to increase.
I am praying for grasping and reaching and moving and other motor skills to improve.

I am praying that my youngest would be touched by the healing hand of God – even tonight.

And maybe I look stupid and foolish and naive and gutsy. And maybe I will have to tell the negative, questioning, confused voice in my head to shut-up on a regular basis. But maybe God has something big up His sleeve for this situation. I will trust Him.

I will trust Him.

the marriage letters - nightly routine

2012-01-24T22:27:00.001-06:00

I've decide to join Amber over at The Run A Muck for this idea, the marriage letters. This week's topic - the nightly routine.

Dear M,

I can't remember what the nightly routine was like before the boys came into our lives. I am pretty sure it included more cookies. Or ice cream. Or ice cream runs. There was definitely more tv watching. And maybe some more energy to talk or play a game of cards.

These days you do your thing, I do mine once the boys have gone to bed. Bubby has his routine - milk, teeth brush, water, kisses, music, bed. Bugaboo is easier - nurse, then sleep. You usually do Bubby's bedtime stuff if you are home, or we tagteam it somehow. Then you head back to your office - to study, to work, to unwind - and I get online, to read blogs, to post on facebook, to find some connection with the outside world that I am not really a part of most days. I have words, so many more words than you, to share, to hear, to ponder because not only am I female, I am an extra-verbal female. So I find my way to get my words out before bed. But I always have more.

Sometimes I pop into your office to tell you about something. Sometimes you come out here, and I chatter away about something else. There are nights when we watch a movie from the library or Redbox. It's rare that there is something on tv worth watching on one of our five channels.

There comes a point when I say, "I'm hungry," and I open the cabinets hoping that something delicious and already made will magically appear. Unfotunately, I usually just make a piece of toast.

At the end of the night, we usually make our way to the bedroom together - or almost together. We check on the boys. You get your glass of water, which will join the other two half-empty glasses of water on the headboard shelf. You set the alarm. One of us sets up the baby-gate (usually you). The bathroom is cold at night - and I wish we had a heated toilet seat. There are nights when I read in bed before you come it. I like to close the book before you finish your own get-ready-to-sleep-routine so that you have to turn off the lights. I know a grown woman shouldn't be afraid of the dark, but there is something about turning out the lights that scares me a little bit.

I kick off my socks under the covers - I will find them in the morning -or next week when I change the sheets. Every night is the same in the fall and winter - we discuss how cold our bedroom is even with the flannel sheets. We each want the other to come over to our own side of the bed for the warmth and so that we will not have to return to cold sheets in a minute.

There are nights when we are exhausted, when one or both of us falls asleep as soon as our heads hit the pillow. There are nights when we are tense, when we argue even though we have been told to not argue in the bedroom.

But most nights we talk in the dark.

About what the boys did. About work problems. About old memories. About politics and religion and solving all of the world's problems if only we were in charge. I love saying, "Ok, I really need to go to sleep now," only to still be awake talking, laughing, praying forty-five minutes later. Our bedtime conversations are a regular reminder of why I married you - because I fell in love with you over our long-distance conversations.

Our nightly routines are sure to continue changing over the years, as the boys get older with different needs and schedules. But one thing I don't want to ever change - talking with you in the dark on my side of the bed.

Love,
A

mm 924-946

2012-01-23T20:07:00.000-06:00

This week feels different than last. More hope. Less tension. More peace.

Even with having to make a frustrating phone call at 4:30 today. Even though things didn't go exactly as planned. I'm ending the day snuggling with my two favorite little ones who are dressed in matching doggie-footie pajamas after reading a dozen or so books to them because Bubby kept saying, "One more! One more!"

Even on a Monday, I love this part of the day- us smooshed on 1.5 sofa cushions, quietly enjoying the calmness of almost-bedtime. Blonde head on my shoulder, baby's wild fuzzy hair tickling mt nose.... stay little, sweet boys.

joining with Ann's community to give thanks for:

clean clothes on the bed ~ misunderstanding discussed ~ favorite jeans out of the drawer~ letters on signs Bubby calls out ~memory of Ebby-dog eating ice cream ~post-2babies-belly ~ Saturday afternoon nap ~ toddler toes sticking out of blankets~ two front teeth poking through~ dogeared page on borrowed book ~ crayon marks on the table ~sunshine on cold days~ a chance to keep promise ~ progress in Bugaboo's development ~ 1 John 1:9, Gal 5:1, Acts 1:8- forgiveness, freedom, and power ~ Bubby dancing like a crazy-happy kid ~ screening appointment. set for Feb. for Bubby ~ card in the mail that made me miss Papa~Tues & Thurs off this semester~ outside play in January~ Bugaboo grabbing toes~ vanilla Dr. Pepper ~Bugaboo grabbing my face after he eats and smiling at me~

a pre-update

2012-01-21T13:54:00.001-06:00

A much overdo update on Bubby and Bugaboo is coming - probably tonight or tomorrow night.

It has been an interesting couple of weeks, but I have the most hope I have had in my life for a long time.

I don't want anyone to think I have spent every day for x-amount of time miserable. I haven't. I was telling someone the other day in so many areas of my life I was reasonably content right now. But there was still my poor attitude, actions and words in other areas on certain days or weeks or seasons.

But I know what I need to do. And it is amazing how the ice around my heart can melt just by letting go.

setting me free

2012-01-21T13:39:00.001-06:00

I think God can do the most work in us and through us when we stop pretending with Him, with others, with ourselves.

Thursday's poem may have been one of the scariest things I have ever written. I did not feel brave - I felt afraid and humiliated, yet compelled to just put it out there because the truth will set you free.

And it is. The Truth is setting me free.

Free to let go of expectations and agendas and hurts.

Free to be authentic, not in just the areas that are easy for me, but in all areas - to stop saying "I'm fine," unless I really am.

Free to give and serve and love.

Help me, Jesus.

a hard poem to write

2012-01-19T16:30:00.001-06:00

how did I become this person,
the one who said in so many ways
You don't make me happy,
even if I never uttered that exact phrase?

glaring in black and white -
the truth of what I am, what I've done, how I've felt,
and because I feel hurt, entitled, enraged,
I pick up my pen and start to make excuses

even amidst your hurt, you identify my hurt,
through a prophetic word picture from a week ago

a seed of trust
buried deep under the dirt
of disappointment, rejection, abuse, abandonment,
cut off from light and water,
never growing into what it was designed to be
though it has so much potential

and this image ticked me off
because
it. was. true.

I have been given a choice

with the words choice
I feel like I'm twelve again
screaming
crying
begging
fighting
for the right choice to be made

it terrifies me
to think that I could maybe do
what I swore I would never do

who would know better than me
that they need me
to make the right choice

this broken girl needs to break the cycle

help me, Jesus

joining with emily and imperfect prose

Sunday afternoon naptime and MM 914-923

2012-01-15T22:14:00.001-06:00

He sat at the foot of his bed, quietly leaning over and stacking his Megablocks into a lovely tower.
I watched him from my position on the couch, the perfect place for seeing directly into him room. Though it was naptime, he was playing, but so beautifully that I did not want to tell him to lay down for he was not being rambunctious. Just a few feet away in the crib his little brother was sleeping soundly.

The most precious moments I want to capture on camera are the ones I dare not interrupt by the click of the shutter.

So I watched and wondered what happened to my baby for here before my eyes was definitely a little boy.

He glanced up from his work just long enough for him to catch my eye and smile a nervous grin, waiting for me to tell him to go to sleep. Instead I smiled back, and his eyes twinkled.

"Want to come sit with me?"

He hopped out of his toddler bed and scurried over to me. I grabbed his sippy cup of milk, and he snuggled in, mostly on my lap, somewhat on the couch. After a few minutes, his breathing slowed, and he slept. Still my baby on some Sunday afternoons.

joining with Ann to keep counting gifts
914. Bubby's first time on roller skates
915. Bugaboo saying his second word, Dada
916. working hard on physical therapy
917. friends who help with kids and transportation and improptu invites
918. hum of the washer and dryer
919. former professors who pray for us, with us, over us
920. realization that roller rinks have not changed much since 1988
921. memories of incredible friendships in my growing up years
922. orange juice every year about this time of year
923. hot chocolate in the middle of the day

ramblings of an (almost) thirty one year old

2012-01-15T14:13:00.001-06:00

In just a few short days I turn thirty-one. I think I am less enthused about this particular birthday than the previous one. When I hear thirty-one, I typically think of two things. First of all, I think of 31 Flavors (Baskin Robbins) and the beloved summer flavor, bubble gum ice cream. Then I think of Proverbs 31 and I actually feel myself sigh an overwhelmed huff because "she" represents the woman I will never completely be - the unattainable picture of perfection.

Perhaps I would not be quite as down about this birthday if it didn't also correspond with needing to get a new driver's license picture. I LOVED my old picture. This is saying a lot. I am the girl who always has a terrible yearbook/passport/id picture. I either look like the deer in the headlights (and I hate deer anyway), a druggie (which I am not nor ever have been), or a weird cross between the two. There was also the year, I believe my sophomore year of high school, when they did photo make-ups without warning --- which for me meant in the middle of Early Bird P.E. class. Lovely. Early plus gym t-shirt plus not knowing it was picture day equals worst picture ever.

Maybe I'm not looking forward to this birthday because I feel like I didn't do a whole lot of significant things in my thirtieth year (other than continuing to raise my two precious boys, which I realize IS signifcant).

This year I am focusing on being intentional, but just two weeks into the new year, the idea of being intentional is slightly overwhelming, and I think I would have been better off picking the word "lazy" - the year of staying in sweatpants, eating premade chocolate chip cookie dough, and watching lots of reality t.v. I am pretty sure I could succeed at that if given the chance.

So I sit on this Sunday afternoon contemplating how much I still feel like that confused, frustrated, yet hopeful seventeen year old of not-so-long-ago.

Memories of birthday parties in my old basement with pizza, Speed (the movie not the drug), sleeping bags, and dance parties with the dearest friends a girl could have keep swirling in my head today. There is a part of me wishing I could have a little bit of that back - the innocence, the hopefulness, the world still completely uncharted by me.

How I do intentionally live each day with hope, adventure, diligence, optimism, and fun of a teenager balanced with the practicality, wisdom, life experiences, and discipline of a mommy of two?

I think the starting point (or maybe continuing point) for me this year is the gift of friendship - quality over quantity. It will be cultivating relationships with various people both younger and older and at my phase, not just for me to grow from, but hopefully for each of us to grow as a result of. I am praying I would be discerning, that the doors would open (or stay open), that I would be bold when I need to be in seeking out friendships, and rest when I am supposed to just wait and observe.

This entry really lacks a closing point, which bothers me. Maybe it is symbolic. My life doesn't get to fall into a nice five paragraph essay, but rather it is cluttered with run-ons and fragments and sometimes an unclear thesis.

overwhelmed

2012-01-10T00:03:00.000-06:00

I was going to write a catch-up post from the holidays and traveling and such, but tonight I am overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed by the kindness of a friend who not only picked me (and Bubby and Bugaboo) up for a facilitators meeting, but also helped me take care of them in that meeting by bring her laptop and dvds and giving my toddler her plate of chips and salsa.

Overwhelmed by the kindness of another who sat next to me and held a teething Bugaboo during the meeting.

Overwhelmed by the generosity of another friend who gave me a ride home tonight.

Overwhelmed by the amazing hospitality of my sister-in-law and brother-in-law and their kids as they fed us, housed us, and provided transportation for us for two and half weeks (and gave us a date night).

Overwhelmed by the gifts of our various family members who made plane tickets, travel expenses, taking care of unexpected plumbing bills, and Disneyland tickets possible.

Overwhelmed by how much it meant to hear a a sincere hello, how are you, let's get caught up soon tonight from a couple of new friends that I really want to get to know better.

Overwhelmed by how a word of encouragement from someone I do not know at all reassured me when I thought I was a bumbling idiot.

I am overwhelmed with a few things we have to deal with in the days ahead - a phone call about mismanaged paperwork (not on our end, on the other end), Bugaboo going ANOTHER week without physical therapy and my fears about his delays, a new semester starting for The Hubs, .... the list could continue.

Instead tonight I am overwhelmed by God's faithfulness to me in the small things.

top ten goals for 2012

2012-01-03T16:09:00.001-06:00

I don't know if I have ever picked a word for the year, but this year I am. My word for this year is INTENTIONAL. Life goes quickly, especially with a baby and a toddler, and I don't want to keep getting to the end of a month, a season, a year, a phase, and wonder what I have done with my time. I will be writing more on how I am going to be intentional this year, but for now my top ten goals (not resolutions) for 2012:

Find practical and managable ways to be intentional.
Find creative and consistent ways to be in The Word and prayer that will go along with the chaos of mommying.
Continue plugging in with our community at church/small groups/mentorship/etc.
Spend at least one hour a week catching up on Bubby and Bugaboo's photo albums.
Have three water-only months throughout the year. (I will still eat - just water only for drinking - just to clarify.)
Send real mail to people.
Write (not blog writing, but "real" writing) at least 150 hours.
Implement a practical household management plan.
Invite people over at least every six weeks.
Learn to use my camera more effectively.

Linking up with

everybody else is doing it

2011-12-29T18:05:00.002-06:00

If everbody else was jumping off a bridge, would you?

Probably not, but since I have been taking a semi-break from blogging, I thought I'd do what "everybody else" is doing and post some highlights/favorites from 2011.

where I'm from
thoughts on miscarriage
Father's Day reflections
why I love my sons
speaking out against being "put together"
the realities of marriage
a lesson from the dishes
some thoughts on beauty
mom guilt
grace for mom
dancing in the kitchen
shut-up

blogging break for Christmas

2011-12-23T18:13:00.000-06:00

I had a few posts started the last few weeks. But we had a week long flu-athon (even though 75% of us had the flu shot) at our house. And we had travels for which to prepare. And now we are gone. So I will be back to blogging at some point soon. In the New Year most likely.

empty and full (MM 899-913)

2011-12-11T23:10:00.000-06:00

"When God closes a door, He opens a window."

We hear that one a lot. Is it even in the Bible? I guess I should look it up, but I am too lazy, and I don't think that it is. And it doesn't feel true for us lately. Doors, windows, laundry chutes, they all seem shut.

We pray for God's will. "Lord, open the right doors. Close the door if you don't want us to go through it." Yet deep down many times we really just want the door to budge a little bit so we can at least squeeze through.

There has been no squeezing through here.

Door after door has shut. So we pray now for new ones, old ones, any ones. We seek, we knock. And we have become empty. Empty of resources, finances, energy, enthusiasm, faith, hope, strength and ultimately of ourselves.

Perhaps it is the Christmas season, though I think I began realizing it sometime between Halloween and Thanksgiving. My cup was completely empty, but I handed it over anyway, and then He began to pour something into it. New (and renewed) relationships. New opportunities and connections. New places to serve. New people coming alongside to encourage us and some old ones as well. New attitudes, new hope, new mercies every morning.

Contentment is a struggle of mine. It always has been, so I find it a little bit funny that at the time in my adult life when I have had the least amount of things, the least amount to fall back on, I have been give the most in areas that don't fit on a spreadsheet or a resume.

Yes, in my emptiness I am being blessed with the full life.

899. cleansing tears off and on all Sunday morning
900. one running car
901. small group game night
902. new friends who love my kids and don't mind our small house on the northside
903. a God who doesn't mind me drinking coffee during announcements
904. Sunday naps for all four of us
905. celebrating one year of Bugaboo
906. an acquaintance's miracle preemie gaining a pound this month- pray for Baby E. to get stronger
907. daily grasping that Jesus came to serve, not to be served, and what that should mean for me
908. the power of grace
909. the gift of obedience
910. progressive dinner
911. friends who hug - forgot how important touch is beyond the family unit
912. quality Christmas music
913. God with us, every day, every moment

my baby is turning one

2011-12-06T22:24:00.003-06:00

"I cried when I saw my son. I don't think it matters if it is your first baby or your tenth. There is something miraculous about being given the gift of a child - through whatever means you are blessed to have one - and seeing him for the first time. The responsibility, the enormity, fragility of it all meshes together in that moment which is just about as sacred as any moment can get. You know in that moment unconditional love - for this child has done nothing to earn your love and will do nothing to lose your love - you love him just because he exists and just because he is yours. And you know without a doubt you will do whatever is in your power to do what is best for him. And in that moment you glimpse the face of God, you hear His heartbeat, and you know just a fraction of the love He has for you. And you are humbled and amazed and grateful. Incredibly grateful."

I wrote this about a month after Bugaboo was born.

In the morning, he turns one year old. It may be an understatement to say that I am a little sad about this.

I love all that you are learning and doing and becoming, but I selfishly want to keep you small enough to hold. I want to keep your out-of-control-hair in the same crazy style. I want to keep kissing your smooshy cheeks and lifting you above my head just to see you smile. My sweet baby boy, our perfect surprise, getting bigger each day. I cannot imagine our family without you.

amidst the mess

2011-12-01T22:35:00.005-06:00

Life is messy.

Toys. Crumbs. Lost baby socks in every random location possible. Halloween costumes I still haven't packed away (though I am not alone on this one, apparently). And that is just the house/mom/material type of stuff.

Things are messy here lately. Frustrations with one thing breaking after another, all out of our control. We get through one hurdle only to have another one placed in our path. It seems we get over, under, or through them anyway that we can. We survive, but with some scrapes, bruises, and bloodied up knees in the process.

Life is so messy for me lately. Questions, concerns, worries, new lessons, old lessons revisited, new friendships and connections, fears, getting out of my comfort zone ...the list of good and bad and everything in between becomes tangled.

Even in the midst of a mess, God's fingerprint is still imprinting His hope and redemption throughout it. (Heather Zempel)

And I sense this, I know this, I lean on this fact - that He is with us in the mess. He is not afraid of the mess. Immanuel, God with us, born in a messy stable, friends with stinky fishermen, healer of lepers and women with blood issues - He is not afraid of the mess.

live it up (MM 889-898)

2011-11-28T21:43:00.002-06:00

The complaints pour out much easier than the list of gratitude. It is just a few days after Thanksgiving, and already I am ungrateful. The long ride with a teething baby. Smooshing in the backseat of car between two large carseats for hours. The noise the car is making that concerns us. The "check brake" light that came on in our other car yesterday. The ol' dilapidated Christmas tree that somehow doesn't fit in our living room this year - even though it is the same tree, same living room.

We drove down the interstate, the last forty-five minutes the same path I took post-Thanksgiving-Sundays for years. "Live it up!" I yell to the college students I assume are driving in the other lanes of traffic.

Life's problems seemed overwhelming then. Exams. Papers. Dorm drama. Lack of boyfriend 98% of my college years.

And now a decade-ish later, I can't help but wish I was going back to a dorm this week. For late nights playing Mancala while making major life decisions while listening to Sara Groves and Jennifer Knapp on the cd player. For long walks around campus in hoodies and scrubs. For chapel three times a week - a chance to worship and renew. For cafeteria food because it was cooked, paid for, and being cleaned up by someone else.

Will I look back as a forty-year old at this period of my life and tell thirty-year-old-mommies-of-little-ones, "Live it up"? Will I miss the cramped house with Cheerios and rubber duckies strewn about? The meals shoveled down because I was feeding two other people at the same time?

I don't want to miss the joy in these years, these moments. I must choose thanksgiving in all seasons.

giving thanks for

safe travels ~ family, near and far... well they all seem far these days ~ new friends/small group training ~ sister-in-law (and brother) letting us use their house for the party ~ celebrating Bugaboo's birthday early ~ still a little over a week with my baby being a baby ~ step-sister feeling more and more like sisters as coffee and books and conversation are shared ~ Melissa and Sammie and Erinn taking care of my boys at the various festivities ~ five generations pictures ~ Papa-made rocking horse enjoyed now by my babies, thirty-years later

over the river and through the woods

2011-11-22T14:41:00.001-06:00

Over the river and through the woods... and the farmland and the highways and interstates... to grandmother's house we go.

I am choosing not to get caught up in the stress of traveling several hours by car to go "home" for Thanksgiving with two little ones. I am choosing to not start stressing about flying halfway across the country in a few weeks to The Hubs' home with two little ones amidst carseat hassles, carry-ons, and Homeland Security.

Instead I am reminding myself that the holidays are about family, loved ones, friends. And I am blessed that we have so much family, though none locally, who want to spend time with us.

So I let go of my small wish to stay home and organize closets and just have a few days in a row of uninterrupted downtime for the first time in months because life is short, and it's not all about me.

It is about family.

what are the MacBoys up to? (and 11 month pictures)

2011-11-21T21:36:00.002-06:00

After my slightly annoyed post from earlier today, here is something for the fam. I think it has been awhile since I've updated about the boys:

Bubby:

climbing on EVERYTHING - he has no fear
developing a love for Dr. Seuss - a big fan of Hop on Pop and Green Eggs and Ham (which he just calls Sam, I Am)
talking in sentences, answering questions, soaking things up like a sponge
favorite phrases these days: "maybe later. maybe tomorrow." "Daddy up swing." (He wants The Hubs to swing him upside down) "I did not take a nap." "go to the rug." (He says that if he knows he did something wrong and has to go to time out - the intonation is quite comical), "Go get ice cream?"
singing
remembering his friends' names
retelling -retelling stories, events, memories
sometimes telling us when he has to go potty - much of the time it is in the middle of the night...grrr
he calls out letters when he sees them on signs/storefronts/etc.
he loves to draw with crayons, markers and colored pencils

Here are two (very late to be posted, but took them a few days ago) eleven month pictures of Bugaboo

Bugaboo:

doing much better with sitting up for long periods of time - only falls if tired/excited
is reaching for things and more often being successful at grabbing/grasping if the object is large enough
starting to tolerate table food a little bit - just soft things like pancakes, fruits and veggies
one tooth is in , another is partway in, and I think I feel a third - all on bottom
loves books with pictures of real babies, loves being read to
grabbing his feet and learning how to successfully remove his socks - this delights him to no end
laughing more and more

Thirty seconds of Bugaboo laughing - guaranteed to make you smile.

Bubby singing.

tact...priceless

2011-11-21T16:48:00.000-06:00

Today I was offended.
Someone said something right to me about the neighborhood in which I live declaring it not very safe. I didn't even know how to respond, so I just stammered, "oh okay."
Many people in the neighborhood are renters (unlike us). The school nearby has a large free/reduced lunch population. But poor doesn't mean unsafe.
When did it become so important for bigger and better? Why do people judge others on their income instead of the type of human beings they are? Why do we think our children need every new toy, every experience available, and if they don't that we are depriving them?
I struggle with contentment. I'd like more cabinet space and the ability to have a pretty family room and a two-car garage. But I have something money can't buy... tact.

loaves and fish

2011-11-20T21:26:00.001-06:00

"Discipleship is always an issue of relationship. It is not about curriculum, church attendance, rules, indoctrination, but always about reaching the heart." Sally Clarkson

For several years, I have avoided getting involved. Getting attached. I wanted to avoid getting hurt. Hurt by leaving. Hurt by rejection. Hurt by being let down.

We weren't supposed to be here, in this town, this long.

I was going to get involved at our next place, wherever that would be. When I had more time and money and friends and life experience. More to offer.

But we are still here. With less time and money and friends. More stress and more responsibility. And still not much to offer.

And it is now that I have finally told God yes. I will be open. I will be vulnerable. I will be involved in whatever capacity You deem appropriate for this season. I will offer what little I have because the One who fed thousands on a few loaves of bread and a couple of fish can surely take little ol' me and use it for some purpose somehow some way.

It isn't much. It is a four-minute conversation on a Sunday morning. Leftover pasta shared on a Tuesday evening. A text offering an invite that didn't work out, but at least I put it out there. Last year I wouldn't have even put it out there for fear of disappointment or embarrassment. This "new" me is not disappointed but thrilled that I just took a step out of my comfort zone.

I could sit here and regret the years I avoided so much for so many reasons. But that would not benefit anyone. Instead, I am thankful that I finally let go of some of my hang-ups, and in doing so I am being blessed by a whole new set of people, young and not-so-young, that are teaching me about community.

It is not all sunshine and lollipops. I have questions and insecurities. There are other aspects of life that are still stressing me out. But in this area, I am excited to see what God is going to do in me and through me. I am starting to get some peace. And that is worth quite a bit.

shut up

2011-11-16T21:47:00.004-06:00

all these years I held on to excuses, knuckles tight, fist clenched
afraid to be vulnerable, available, accessible
shrugging off a call on my life, a burden on my heart
because of fear and past mistakes and hurt

like a parched woman
now I find myself drinking it in
with big gulps
wondering how I missed this vessel
holding life-giving water

a voice whispers,
"(you don't have a Bible degree) you're not enough,
(you have babies) now isn't the time,
(you need better hair/shoes/jeans/accessories) you're too old,
(you don't have enough life experience) you're too young,
(you missed your chance to get involved) it's too late."

But today I tell that voice to shut-up.

waking up on the right side of the bed

2011-11-15T14:18:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I felt a little weepy. I did not weep, but I felt like I wanted to. Doors, doors, windows, windows, windows all seem to be closing. "What now, Lord? Isn't there more for us than this?"
We went to bed discussing, The Hubs and I, and praying, and somehow we drifted to sleep with the only answers to our questions not really being answers but just, "I don't know."
So we'll keep asking and waiting and knocking and seeking and trying because what else really can we do?
And today I was given strength, grace, joy, and peace. No answers, nothing else has changed, but I will take it, these mercies new every morning that keep me hanging on.

seasons (and MM 873-888)

2011-11-13T22:11:00.002-06:00

The leaves still hang on a bit, orange, red, yellow and brown, though many are scattered and most branches are bare. I find myself this year more than usual aching for time to slow.

The weather was absolutely gorgeous today, and we took the boys to the park. While The Hubs and I took turns holding the baby and chasing our toddler around the playground, pushing swings, and holding our breath when our blondie would get too close to an edge high off the ground, I watched a dad with two boys, approximately six and nine, play improvised kickball and chase his sons around the equipment. I know I will go to bed one night and wake up the next morning to find my boys big enough for games and too big for holding hands and being caught at the bottom of a slide.

And this is why I think the ache for time to slow is more profound these days.

With each proud moment, each milestone and accomplishment, I feel a little piece of my heart being ripped and pulled in two directions - desiring my boys to grow into independent, amazing men and yet wanting to keep them close and safe and little forever.

On the way home, Bubby sings a mixture of songs in the car - a combo of Jesus Loves Me ABC Twinkle Twinkle Wheels on The Bus The Bible Tells Me So - and I want it to stay that way, the sacred and secular completely and blessedly tangled in his life.

We read his children's Bible, and I read of Jesus coming back, and my two year old says,
"Jesus comin' to our house tomorrow."
"Maybe. He could. We never know."'
"Jesus gonna gimme a hug."
"He would love to give you a hug."
"Jesus sing and play."
"Yes, when you see Jesus He will want to play with you."

And with this I long for time to slow and I long for it to speed up,
to go where we are intended to be,
to have the faith a toddler has,
to believe without any doubt that not only could Jesus show up at any moment,
but to also believe that He wants to hug us.
To just be with us.

And He is. Emmanuel. God with us.

joining with Ann's community to keep giving thanks:
873. Saturday working intensely and happily with Bugaboo on all of his skills
874. the joy of pots and pans for Bubby

875. mid November and sixty-plus degrees
876. playing Bunko with a dozen ladies on a Friday evening
877. coffee with a new friend, just a phase or so ahead of me
878. conversations with new friends, just a phase or so behind me
879. husband who never complains about watching the kids so I can get a break
880. gluten-free pizza
881. navigating this gluten-free world with recipes and advice from California aunt
882. texts/messages from Quad City sisters wishing I was there
883. baby eating pancakes for the first time

884. being a part of community
885. nursery workers and volunteers who love my babies
886. building Duplos and "Mommy, try again" when my tower falls
887. all FOUR of us sharing a bowl of ice cream
888. remembering one of my favorite people in this upcoming week

blogging, writing, and Doogie's diary

2011-11-09T22:26:00.001-06:00

Remember Doogie Howser?

Source: sharetv.org via Stacey on Pinterest

I was only allowed to watch it for a certain amount of time before my parents put the kabosh on it because Doogie was going to have sex or something with his girlfriend. I think I was about nine when the show was on, so they probably made a wise parental move there. They didn't stop me from putting his picture from TeenBeat magazine on my wall, though.

Doogie came to mind because I remember how he would always write on his computer journal or what not at the end of each episode, and how I would think how cool it would be to someday keep a diary on the computer.

And now here I am, a grown woman, keeping a diary of sorts on the computer. A diary that anybody could read. Only it's called a blog.

I'm in small group training with the young adult community/ministry at our church. Tonight as we were all getting to know each other better it came up that I blog.
"A mommy blog?"
"Yes, well sort of." (I do wear the title mommy/mommy-blogger with pride.)

And then it came out that I would like to write a book.
"What kind of book?"

And I stammered out some answer of one of the many books I would like to write, all the while thinking I can't believe I just shared with these people that I want to write a book. It is one thing to put the idea out there on this blog from the safety of my couch, but to say it aloud to these people I am just getting to know?

But they smiled and were kind, and I think at that moment I may have fallen in love with the Wednesday night small-group-training-group.

Because in that moment I was not "just" a stay-at-home-mommy-who-also-does-childcare-to-help-make-ends meet. I became someone with potential again, and it felt good.

look where God is working and join Him

2011-11-06T14:18:00.002-06:00

In worship today, the pastor preached on being motivated by our hearts, working with God in the passion and circumstances and such God has given each of us.
There has been a season in my life where I didn't know exactly what my passion/calling was any more. Being a stay-at-home-mom, wife to a once-again-college-student-by-day-counselor-by-night, and wondering what and if God had anything to say about this phase of my life left me a little down and a lot exhausted.
But lately, I feel things stirring in m heart again, some have been for months, some just more in recent weeks, and some are old passions renewed and revitalized. We cannot be involved in every need in our world and communities, but we can each be used in the way God created us to be. We just need to be available and to act.
Please pray for me as I figure out if and how God can use me

in a mentorship role (both as a mentor and a mentee is my prayer)
in the lives of college students/young adults
in the lives of orphans/foster children
in the lives of other moms
and most of all, in the lives of my family, both immediate and extended

Some of these areas are still very fuzzy and uncharted territories, others I have started to pursue more actively. Praying I can see where God is working and join Him in His work.

Bugaboo's first birthday gift

2011-11-04T21:01:00.000-05:00

Bugaboo's first birthday is fast approaching. He doesn't need toys, but there are millions of people out there who need something so basic for us as Westerners- clean water. For Bugaboo's first birthday, would you consider donating so that a community can have clean water?

If you do, please write him a note or mention in it his birthday card so one day he can look back and see every person can make a difference.

You can read more about this clean water project at Shannan's blog. She is the one who had the idea to get people involved.

2011-11-03T22:11:00.000-05:00

This week I had dinner with someone just about one "phase" behind me and coffee with someone just about one "phase" ahead of me. Pondering the intentionality and organic-ness of relationships, and the possibility of some sort of in-between. How do I/we get more of this instead of just waiting for it to happen? Intentionality. Vulnerability. Risk. Humility. Any other thoughts out there?

I have some more thoughts in my head on this, but I am still figuring out what I want to say on the topic.

Multitude Monday 858-872 (Halloween edition)

2011-10-31T11:45:00.001-05:00

The weekend didn't start off so great. Friday after work it began with an argument filled with my selfishness and miscommunication in which I was also a pretty big jerk. But by the time the Cardinals won the game, things were improving much to the grace and forgiveness from my husband.
Saturday and Sunday were what autumn weekends are made for.

Some morning chores.
An afternoon drive.
Carving pumpkins.

Red baseball shirts.

First teeth.

College football on t.v. that went into overtime.
Intergenerational worship.
Pasta in the oven.
New friends over for lunch.
Little boys in costumes.

Trunk-or-treat.

My heart is full on this Monday morning, ready to start the day, the week, the upcoming month with a bigger heart of gratitude and less room for complaints and comparison. It is a choice, a choice I too often fail to make, but each day is a chance to try again. So I thank Him this morning for
blue skies
and orange leaves,
fun-size Twix bars

and the continuous nudge to get out of my comfort zone and be pleasantly surprised.

picture takers anonymous

2011-10-30T21:42:00.001-05:00

Hi, my name is Amanda, and I take an insane amount of pictures of my kids. (because all of our family lives far away)

hello, amanda.

But for now, just a picture The Hubs took of me this weekend featuring my claws. (You are not alone, FPFG!)

It also features Bugaboo not smiling as we carve pumpkins. Smiling pictures will come later this week for those of you not on facebook. :) Because I am a picture taking addict.

big day for Bugaboo

2011-10-27T21:04:00.000-05:00

Things are starting to click for our little Bugaboo.

Two different times today he sat independently for over ten minutes. He didn't fall or crumple forward, and he self-corrected when he got wobbly. Yesterday he was doing well sitting for 30ish seconds on his own... then BAM! He has a huge gain. We are so thankful for the work our physical therapist is doing and for the things she is teaching us.

Then, as if that wasn't enough, Bugaboo said his first word today.... MAMA. I was just holding him on the couch and he pretty much whispered it in my ear. Then he looked at me and smiled. Of course when I prompted him to say it again, he smiled big but refused.

Speaking of smiles... if I could ever get my sweet boy to smile for the camera, you all could see his first tooth - almost all the way in on bottom.

But he prefers to have a serious look for all photos we take.

a boy and his bear

2011-10-26T21:46:00.002-05:00

At just about two and a half, my oldest boy will turn a twig from the yard into a hammer, the vacuum attachment into a sword, and a tortilla chip into a car, plane, or train.

He can make truck and motorcycle and emergency vehicle noises, scale the kitchen table mighty quck for someone with an IEP for physical therapy, and discover ways of grossing mommy out already by dipping goldfish crackers in ketchup.

But along with this "typical" boy behavior, he loves to kiss his baby brother, snuggle up to read book after book, and just recently has developed a very nurturing manner towards his stuffed animals, especially Bear.

"Bear sleepin' in bed. Go get Bear. Mommy hug Bear." And so on.

Last night he determined to build Legos with his stuffed friend, so he patiently added blocks to the tower, setting both Bear and the supplies up when one or all would topple. The whole scene was precious, and for once my camera was nearby to capture this tender moment. I wish I could capture each minute of my boys' lives on film.

But this will do.

ten month picture and some others

2011-10-25T21:15:00.001-05:00

Bubby was up at 1:00 this morning - coughing and with a request for a drink.
Both boys were up shortly after 6:00, and at the end of his meal, Bugaboo spit up ALL over me, the bed, himself. It was quite a way to start the day.
We all spent a lot of time snuggling today, reading books, playing legos, watching an unheard of amount of the one Leap Frog dvd we have. I let go of my "minimal t.v." for my boys desire today.
There are stories to share from the last few days, but I just want to be in bed before ten tonight, which means the flannel sheets have to get on the bed before I can get there.
So instead of more words here, a very delayed ten month picture of Bugaboo and a couple of other shots of my sweet baby boy.

why am I a mommy

2011-10-21T23:04:00.000-05:00

The week is done. My babies are in their room, snoring away in footie pajamas. Somehow the radio station dial must have gotten bumped because what is playing is almost the complete opposite of what usually lulls Bubby to sleep. Oh well. "It doesn't sound like devil music," is what I told The Hubs an hour or so ago. Whatever that means.
I love the quiet of a Friday night. I find myself very reflective on the couch by myself as The Hubs works on paperwork or homework. I found myself thinking about all my mistakes this week instead of the things I did well. Why is it so much easier to do that? I need to refocus. What are my priorities? What stresses me out? What can I let go of? How can I be more positive? Why am I a mommy?
I can't answer them all right now - I don't have the brain cells to figure it out tonight. But I can start with the last one.

to love

to teach

to encourage

to challenge

to support

to disciple

to give

to mentor

to enjoy

to share

to inspire

to love

And just now I was thinking about the wedding verses from last weekend's ceremony - 1 Corinthians 13 - and how those words shouldn't just be read for weddings, but they also should be read the day you bring your babies into your home, but with a slight variation.

Mommy is patient and kind;

Mommy does not envy or boast; she is not arrogant or rude.

She does not insist on her own way; she is not irritable or resentful;

she does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Mommy bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Isn't that what I would want to be? It doesn't matter what I wear or how great my house looks, how many degrees I have or what clique I am a part of, my main responsibility, my main calling right now is to show and give and be love for my boys.

I love you more, Today, than Yesterday

2011-10-20T16:02:00.000-05:00

Today is a better day.
Bugaboo had a great PT session today - we are already seeing some improvement in his sitting up and putting weight on his legs.

Bubby had a fabulous Parents As Teachers screening. He is at "age level" in all areas. This is without adjusting his age because at two they stop doing that. Our preemie has officially caught up. Still things to work on, but he has caught up.

The Hubs just got a phone call with some positive news on the job front. Pray that everything goes smoothly and quickly with that.

The sun is shining, and even though it is cool out and my boys missed their naps because of our appointments, I am in good spirits.

So here are some more non-wedding pictures from our trip to Illinois this last weekend because they make me smile.

pressing on

2011-10-19T21:31:00.001-05:00

Another door shut for us this week.
A door we were 99% sure would be open. On paper there was no way it wouldn't be open. Yet, it isn't. So we press on towards another door or doors, and keep working as we wait.

But honestly I don't want to press on because I just feel stuck in so many areas right now. I am having a hard time with it today. Harder than I had on Monday or Tuesday when we received the news.

Instead of pressing on, I just want to sit and cry awhile and eat ice cream. And maybe sit at a lake house with just my guys and me and just be the four of us for a few days. (I have never been to a lake house, but it sounds like something I would like.) Perseverence seems highly overrated today, and sitting and whining about the unfairness of life seems easier.

Unfortunately the whining doesn't solve anything. It just makes me and everyone around me miserable. I know because I spent about ninety minutes in this state earlier this evening.

So we will persevere because that is what we do around here, The Hubs much better than I.
On the plus side, I did get some ice cream tonight. And it helped a little.

another goodbye

2011-10-18T22:02:00.000-05:00

My dad resigned from his position as fire chief tonight. I knew it was coming before the city council, before the media. He talked about the high possibility of it with me this weekend. He called me tonight before the meeting, so that I would hear it from him and not facebook. He resigned as a matter of ethics and integrity because many on my hometown's council/administrative board have none. That is all I will say about that aspect of it at this time.
I cried this weekend because a big part of why he is leaving is because the council is getting rid of a very important program - a program my grandfather started when he was fire chief of the same town. I cried because many childhood memories involve the smell of the fire department garage and the Central Station kitchen, stories of crazy ambulance calls over dinner, knowing all the answers at the Fire Safety Week assemblies in grade school. I know the last names or nicknames of firefighters my grandfather and father worked with probably better than I know the names of all twelve disciples. Grunt, BirdDog, Irwin, Toy, Strandland, Boden, Ducey, Jewel, Walden, Brown, Smith, ...

I don't know when I'll have a chance to visit the fire station again. And so, in a way, tonight leads to another good-bye to my belated grandfather. I know he wasn't his son-in-law any more, but I know Papa would have been very proud of my dad tonight.

2011-10-18T10:29:00.000-05:00

We spent a long weekend at home for my (step)sister's wedding. She was beautiful. The ringbearer was pretty cute, too, if I do say so. He continues to say, "Walk the aisle. Sammie's wedding!" even though we are back home now.

Bugaboo hangin' with the bride and the ladies Saturday morning

the flowergirl and Bubby

my sister and new brother-in-law

my other sister and me

Bubby with Uncle Chow

dancing briefly with The Hubs

most of my cousins, their spouses, and kids on my dad's side made it to the wedding

The boys were fabulous on the sevenish hour drive up. They were miserable on the drive home.
But we are home now. Trying to get back on a routine. We crave routine (though not necessarily schedule) around here. Bugaboo is napping like a champ, Bubby is watching about the only tv he is really into... Sid the Science Kid, and I need to finish the unpacking I started last night.

I know you're going to hate me for saying this, but it has to be said...

2011-10-12T14:18:00.005-05:00

Sometimes things in blogland, which I am sure are meant to encourage, only discourage me.

For instance, this morning I read some posts about an upcoming challenge to dress "frump-free" (or something) for a month. The heart of this challenge was to be our best for our husbands, families, etc. I respect that idea. I get it. However...

To me this challenge is just one more "Christian woman" expectation that I don't live up to, nor do I want to.

First let me say that I love clothes. If I ever have spare money again, I will buy some new, cute clothing. But right now it is not a priority. And at this stage in life spare money for coffee trumps cute clothes every time.

But this is not really about clothes.
It is the mindset out there that I should be put-together.
The mindset that we, as women, should be put-together.

Well, friends, I'm not.

I put my make-up on in the car on the way to church. And on the rare night out with friends or The Hubs.
Monday-Friday I wear jeans and a random assortment of old college t-shirts , unless of course, I am feeling bloated, and then I wear yoga-pants (which have never been used for yoga or any other workout activity). I even wear this ensemble to the grocery store. *gasp*

My priorities each day are getting the laundry done, the dishwasher unloaded, and oh yeah, the kids loved and educated (both my own and the ones I am called to watch). So I'm going to be a little frumpy because I spend my day getting snotted on, spit up on, and baby-food dribbled on. And I'm not ruining my good clothes on that. Plus, I spend 92% of my day on the floor, and shoes and cute clothes are not compatible with that.
If I DO dress nice (and there are days I do, even baby-sitting days), it is because I want to. I could never be married to man who needed me to be put-together, especially in the line of work I am in.

So maybe this is just my issue, but could we as Christian women stop telling each other what a good wife/mom does unless we can clearly back it up with Scripture? And I'm preaching to myself because while I can find fault with the no-frump-month-challenge, I know in my heart I have thought or said, "A good wife/mom/Christian does/doesn't do such-and-such." But it was based on my opinion.

There are enough comparison traps in the world, in the Church ... we don't need another one. I think this challenge hits women where they are most vulnerable, and that makes me sad.

Let's stop the guilt-trips. Let's encourage one another instead to know that it is okay to have Cheerios on the floor, to keep the fingerprints on the coffee table, to order pizza when dinner burns, and to walk around in sweat pants and bare feet 365 days a year.


me rocking some brown sweatpants and a faded blue t-shirt today, no make-up as usual

*I am not writing this to be a jerk. In the past, I have read other things by this blogger that I like. I just feel like there are probably other women out there who read about this challenge and may feel the same way as I do and need some encouragement. I did comment on the blog about this challenge, and respectfully let the author know that I disagreed with this challenge. But it is a free world, and I think if women want to do this, good for them! But don't feel like less of a woman if it is not your thing.

a smidge of politics ... but not really

2011-10-11T22:28:00.002-05:00

I really want to be BFF's with Liz Lemon. I know she is a fictional character, but I do think I would be a better friend for her than Jenna Maroney.

Perhaps that is shocking to my readers. Liz Lemon is liberal. And I am libertarianish. (At least I think I am: fiscally conservative, socially moderate).

But most people I wish I could go have a cup of coffee with (whether I know them in real life, read their blogs or whatever) tend to be much different than me.

Source: google.co.ve via Criss on Pinterest

And we really do have more in common than how it may seem on paper.

my little pumpkins (MM 844-857)

2011-10-09T21:42:00.001-05:00

Sunday night I am always sad to see my weekend conclude. Especially delightfully sunny and relaxing weekends like this one. This was the type of weekend where the towels are washed and dried but still sit in a pile unfolded because reading and napping and playing and resting were needed, and towels don't really get wrinkled anyway.

And I could get the Sunday night blues style overwhelmed at the prospect of all I have still to do in the week ahead. Or I could feel guilty that it has been two weeks since I've written down my gratitude and question whether or not I should list things that are "old news." I could get stuck trying to remember if I ate a single vegetable in the last forty-eight hours, and wonder why I am even thinking about such a fact right now.

So instead my list of hodge-podge good things, mostly recent, but a few I didn't write down on previous Sunday evenings.

toddler independence tromping around a pumpkin patch ~ little hands trying to pick up the biggest one ~ more and more thoughts and promptings about mentorship leading to good questions in my spirit ~ baby boy babbling and chattering on car rides ~ same baby boy wanting to say, "Mama!" as his first word... I know that is what is trying to get out... c'mon buddy! ~ reading in bed like Mr. and Mrs. Brady ~ two year old sentences, and the wonder of how he learns so much each day just by watching and listening. oh the gift and weight of that responsibility ~ chubby hands on my face, nose, hair, finally grasping more this week ~ NICU reunion ~pumpkin spice latte on the way to a hair cut ~ protection from car accident ~ plumbing issue not going into the street, saving us $1,000 on our bill ~ reminder to trust the Sender ~ the way we sit, all four of us on one couch at the end of most days

844-857

Christmas is comin' the goose is gettin' fat

2011-10-08T21:31:00.002-05:00

Did anyone else have the Muppet/John Denver Christmas album where I think Gonzo and Miss Piggy sing this song? True confession - still one of my favorite Christmas albums ever because it takes me back to being six years old.

Anyhoo ... this post is mostly for family who have asked Christmas-present-questions, although there is a mommy-advice question at the end of the post.

Christmas is just a couple of months away, and sadly the goose is not gettin' fat at our house. Just when we thought we'd be able to give again this Christmas (because our medical bills are paid off), we had the gigantic plumbing issue. So we do not want/need anything. I know I have said this to some, and still have been asked what the boys want/need for Christmas.

They do not need any more toys.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh. Just fact. We are grateful for what they have been given. The only possible toy Bugaboo may need is a new shape sorter because big brother lost the lid (the shape sorting part) and 54% of the shapes. Educational gifts are good. Experiences would make a great Christmas gift. A zoo membership for our family to use in the spring/summer/fall would be an idea. Parent-and-me swim classes for either or both boys. Preschool "scholarship" to send Bubby one day a week next year. Consumable art supplies for Bubby (We go through crayons, markers, watercolors and construction paper like nobody's business.) Board books for Bugaboo. I know some have given us the gift of airline tickets to see California family. We are very excited and thankful for this gift because time with the people we love is the best gift of all.

But before Christmas is Bugaboo's first birthday. I hate that his birthday is so close to Christmas. As a January baby, I always wanted to avoid having my children born in December or January because people tend not to care as much about those birthdays thanks to cruddy weather and the consumerism stress of the holidays. Anyhoo - I am a little stressed because I want my second born's day to be special. As special as our oldest. I get sad when I look at the cards and notes that were sent when Bubby was born compared to when Bugaboo was born. Maybe I am overthinking. Maybe Bugaboo will not care one iota in the future, but when you are the second-born, same-gender as the first-born, born just a year-and-a-half-after-big-brother child, it seems you already have some things stacked against you.

Am I overthinking? What can I do to rid myself of this guilt? What can I do to make sure Bugaboo gets just as much "specialness" as Bubby did? Suggestions? Advice? Or just get over it?

daddy-son rhythm

2011-10-06T15:58:00.002-05:00

In the backyard he chucks walnuts over the fence into the (vacant) neighbor's backyard. The nuts are from their tree, so he doesn't feel bad about ridding our yard of the massive amounts of greenish balls that land in our yard each autumn.

My two year old follows his daddy around the yard, tossing the spheres a few inches in the air with enthusiasm. When his efforts don't make it over the fence, with an enormous grin he gives it to bigger, more capable hands . And they walk around the perimeter, holding sticks and kicking leaves, in a daddy-son rhythm that makes me hold my breath and wish to keep them both like this forever.

an update of sorts

2011-10-04T16:14:00.000-05:00

The last few days have been interesting. Meetings and appointments and evaluations for Bugaboo. Less clients last week for The Hubs. Steady hours of work for me. Tree roots stretching deep into our yard and blocking and busting pipes. And then yesterday the news that our water heater may need replacing sooner than later. A little bit overwhelming, but overall, I managed to not have any emotional breakdowns. Tears, but no breakdowns, even though a small part of me wanted to have one.
But I haven't been much in the blogging spirit, and I'm still not quite there, but here is a little update on what is going on with the MacFamily.

Bugaboo's neurologist appt - we were told to proceed with the therapies that he will soon be getting through FirstSteps. He is behind, but wait and see if he will catch up with more time and more work. Follow-up appointment in six months.
We have Bugaboo's initial IEP meeting this coming Thursday.
The four of us went to the NICU reunion on Sunday. It gave me anxiety walking back into the hospital - flashbacks of early labor and not taking my babies home with me right away, the phone outside the NICU door to call to be let in, the smells that only hospitals have. But as we were hugged by some of our favorite nurses, it also reminded me how blessed we are to have had both of our boys given such wonderful care. And it made me sad that my body doesn't have full-term babies, so my baby-having-days-the-"traditional"-way are over, unless God intervenes.

not happy to have pictures taken in their "brother" shirts

I am feeling a nudge to keep getting out of my comfort zone.
Bubby says/repeats the most hilarious things. When he and The Hubs rough house, The Hubs says, "I'm gonna gobble your face off!" and now Bubby is saying that to him. He was obsessed with the "yellow truck" (backhoe) that came for our plumbing issues yesterday. He went to the window several times today saying, "See you tomorrow yellow truck!"(Bubby is doing better with using sentences more often, though he still prefers to say, "Yeah," to most questions.
There is always more, but the boys are up from their naps...

feeling a tad bit like Job

2011-09-29T08:10:00.000-05:00

I'm snuggled up this morning with two little boys sprawled out all over me . They are playing some sort of little brother game, which I must monitor so Bugaboo doesn't get poked in the eye. Bubby's elbow is lodged in my abdomen, but still we share one couch cushion, though three are available.
How can I not trust God this morning?
The One Who brought me both boys - brought us out of high risk pregnancy and the NICU twice.
The One Who has provided for us to be just a few days away from paying off our medical bills.
The One Who has enable me to stay home and work from home because He knows what I need and what my personality is.
He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
He will get us through this new obstacle of plumbing and tree roots and pipes and backhoes and a new, unexpected, necessary expense which I cried about last night.

Pray for us, friends. We would certainly appreciate it.

sweet september

2011-09-28T13:30:00.001-05:00

The last few days I've spent adjusting to my little boy having a bed instead of a crib

pushing my baby in a swing at the park

watching my oldest climb playground equipment

with a little help from Daddy

seeing my littlest want to keep up with big brother

and smiling so much like his great-grandfather that I can't help but whisper a hello to the heavens.

We suffer from allergies from our time enjoyed outside, and my coffee table suffers dust and fingerprints as I find better ways to use my time.

dancing in the kitchen

2011-09-25T22:25:00.001-05:00

Tonight I figured out my youngest likes to dance.
Bugaboo wasn't fussy, but he wasn't exactly happy either shortly before bedtime. So I randomly scooped him up and brought him into the kitchen, reciting the words from the book "Fifteen Animals." Every time I said the word "Bob" (which is in there fourteen times), I would bounce him, and he would laugh this great baby half-giggle-half-laugh.

While I was doing that I realized I haven't danced that much with Bug. Around the kitchen we danced to any song that popped into my head - "Dancing Cheek to Cheek" to every sweet lullaby-ish Disney song to a couple of hymns to Patsy Cline. Yes, not only did I dance to "Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus," I followed it up with two rounds of "Walkin' After Midnight." I think Jesus approved to the soundtrack.
Dance with your babies. Drink a good cup of coffee. Roll the windows down. And keep dancing with the babies in the kitchen, even when they are eleven and twelve and will protest about their mother being ridiculous. Stop and enjoy the moment. Every day - find some moment to really capture for the photo album in your heart.

five minute friday - growing

2011-09-23T16:55:00.000-05:00

Joining once again with thegyspymama on this week's five minute topic - growing.
Go
Growth - the result of it is positive, but the process is often painful, whether physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. Growing is change and change is hard.
Sometimes growth means you outgrow people, relationships. You are at a different place than they are, so you part ways, maybe for a season, maybe permanently.
Sometimes growth is actually being stuck exactly where you are for a long period of time. Longer than you anticipated. Longer than you wanted. But when you look at yourself, six years in the same location, same depressing bank account, same, "What next?" questions, you get a glimmer of hope because you see growth.
Sometimes growth is watching your babies change before your very eyes. Longer legs, chubbier cheeks, new skills, new words, new things to make you laugh, and new things that make you cry.
I tell my boys all of the time, "Stop growing. I want you to stay small." I think every mommy wishes that. But almost concurrently I pray each night, "Lord, grow my boys into men who love You, and grow me to love You so that I can teach them."

Stop.

second verse, same as the first

2011-09-21T17:34:00.003-05:00

A quick update while the boys are giving me a moment.

Bugaboo had his First Steps evaluation today and he is going to qualify for services. He has some of the same needs and issues big brother had at this age, and some different ones. We meet in about two weeks to discuss the results of the eval and the IEP/goals. I know the goals will have to do with both gross AND fine motor skills because Bugaboo's score was very low in the physical assessment. In between now and then we will have the neuro appointment our pediatrician recommended. Tara, our p.t., gave me some good questions to ask and items to discuss. I am very thankful for our p.t. because not only is she knowledgeable because of her career choice, but she is a mom to preemies, so she gets the mommy-gut/mommy-factor.

So familiar territories, but each child is different, so it's a little nerve-racking even this time around since fine motor skill and low muscle-tone issues are new to us. We appreciate your thoughts and prayers, especially for our Oct. 3 neurologist appointment.

help bring Kaylee home

2011-09-19T22:07:00.001-05:00

I don't know what it's like to go through the adoption process. I hope to someday bring a child/children into our home through the miracle of adoption.

I do know what it is like to not have your baby home with you at night. My boys started their journey in life in the NICU. It is gut-wrenching to not be able to walk down the hall and check and see how your little one is doing during the night, to worry about their health, their comfort, their safety.

I do not know what it is like when your child is half-way around the world each night instead of just across town. I cannot imagine.

I do not know what it is like to fund-raise and pinch and scrimp and save in order to bring your baby home. I do know what is like to do those things after a child is home. I do know what it is like to be blessed by prayers and financial provision from friends and family and strangers.

Why am I writing about this?

My friend from college, Derek, and his wife, Alyssa, are trying to get their five year old daughter, Kaylee, home.

Would you consider partnering with them this month? They have just received a matching-grant. Read the details about the grant here on their blog.

the simplest things are the best things

2011-09-19T21:49:00.001-05:00

We don't get as much one-on-one, Bubby/Mommy time. There's a little brother, and there the two new littles I baby-sit. Evenings are dinner and unwinding and playing on the boys' room floor, with The Hubs joining us between cilents and homework.

But tonight Bugaboo fell asleep much earlier than usual. The Hubs was working on homework after he vacuumed the main rooms. (What a guy!) So Bubby and I played.

I wanted to capture our moments, but I didn't want to get up and destroy anything by looking for my camera. So the phone-picture quality isn't the best, but the memories are perfect.

We worked on name puzzles. Here is Bubby "spelling" Babu's name. (Babu-sock is what he called her tonight, instead of Babushka.)

We worked on a new ABC match that I made.

We wrapped up the night by Bubby scribbling happily all over his ABC paper because Mommy got out the markers - a special treat instead of crayons. The simplest things are the best things.

It doesn't have to be complex. We don't have to go anywhere. He doesn't need bells and whistles. Just a kitchen table, some basic art supplies, and his mommy.

Multitude Monday 836-843

2011-09-18T23:18:00.000-05:00

I want to keep my babies this size, this age. Oh sure, I want them to grow and learn and do all of the things they are supposed to do. There is piece of my heart that swells with pride every time they accomplish a new milestone or do something adorable or funny. But there is also a piece of my heart that breaks when I realize they aren't as tiny as they used to be, that the days are long but the season is short.

So I am thankful for a rainy and recover-from-sickness weekend. We stayed in, we snuggled, we played, we rested.

836. the way Bugaboo's eyes light up when he sees pictures of babies

837. my crazy toddler doing some sort of karate move

838 & 839.teaching my first born to understand numbers; his fascination with all playdoh items


840. homemade soup - two varieties - ready to go in the freezer for later

841. intense love of reading

842. baby hands

843. brothers playing unaware of Mommy getting the camera

joining with Ann to give thanks

Saturday

2011-09-17T23:01:00.000-05:00

I was puked on. Three times. By both of my children. (Total, not each.)
Our bathrooms had some sort of plumbing issue. Both of them. (Somehow connected but I know nothing about plumbing except that I only use the indoor variety.)

Today was actually a very nice Saturday, even with the rough moments.

The plumbing issue has been resolved somehow for now by an answer to prayer.
The boys seem to be feeling better at the moment.
Right now it is pouring down rain. I love rain at night. So soothing.
The Hubs and I declared it a pizza night.
I have been wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt all day. (Not the same ones all day, for obvious reasons.)

I sit on my lumpy brown couch thinking how lucky, how blessed I am as I hold my babies close. Yet I can't help but think of the kids out there who have no one to snuggle them when they are sick or tired or scared by a thunderstorm. My heart breaks because there is a world of un-snuggled children out there. I must do something. I don't know the details. But I know I must do something.

9 month pictures and Bugaboo screening update

2011-09-15T22:39:00.000-05:00

Parents as Teachers came and did Bugaboo's early childhood screening today. They were going to do Bubby this month, but I asked to switch and do Bugaboo first with everything going on with our little guy. They adjusted his "age" to assess what he "should" be according to his premature age (7 and a half months) - and he scored very well in communication, but at risk in all other areas (because even areas such as social and problem solving rely heavily on motor skills at this age level for a "good" score.) Anyhoo - they would refer us for a First Steps eval, but I had already requested one when our pediatrician referred us to a neurologist. So our P.T. comes next week for Bugaboo's evaluation. My mommy-gut was right to get the ball rolling on that one it seems.

Bugaboo - nine months old and sweet as can be - wearing his "robber" shirt according to his fifth-cousin-twice-removed, Giggles. :)

getting so big

I love his crazy hair

He really is such a sweet boy - just gotta work on those motor skills - fine and gross with this one.

how I piddle away my time

2011-09-15T16:01:00.000-05:00

Thursday the Q kids get picked up early.
This afternoon Bugaboo had a screening from Parents as Teachers, but after that was done he conked out. Bubby is still napping. And I piddled away some free time by trying to reorganize my "teacher" board on pinterest into new categories by subject. I am halfway through, and I am rethinking that decision.
I really wish my OCD would be put to better use - like by keeping my purse or car clean, by scrubbing the little nooks and cranies around a sink more meticulously, by figuring out how to better use my time.
Nope.
It's used to sort ideas that I should be DOING instead of SORTING.
Ah, well, at least I enjoyed my wasted time this afternoon. And at least dinner is in the crockpot.
Does anyone else piddle away their time in ridiculous ways?

three Bubby things

2011-09-14T16:51:00.000-05:00

It was a stressful day in the MacHouse. Bubby was ornery. (Does that word look weird to anyone else?) He wasn't bad, just toddler with a capital T (which rhymes with P which stands for pool hall...)
Anyhoo - three funny things he did amidst the moments when I wanted to rip out my hair:

When he fell (from doing something he wasn't supposed to do), he said, "Owie. Kiss bottom? Mommy kiss bottom?" Um, no Bubby.
While running around half naked this morning he once again discovered his chest/nipples. He called them "mole," to which I idiotically corrected him and said, "No, Bubby. Nipples. Those are nipples." So what does he do next? Points at the mole on my neck and declare, "Mommy nipple!" Grrreat.
Um - I forgot! Isn't that terrible? In five minutes I forgot the third thing - which I think was the funniest. That is my day, friends. I'll post it later if I remember it.

a few thoughts about MOPS

2011-09-13T22:00:00.001-05:00

Last fall I went to MOPS at my church. Then Bugaboo was born and it was pretty hit/miss. There were things I liked about the MOPS at my church: a)It was at my church. b)The nursery workers were sweet ladies I knew or knew of who love my babies not only on those mornings, but on Sunday mornings, too. c)I knew some of the gals that went there. d) The mentor mom has a lot of energy. e) They didn't make me do too many crafts.

Honestly (and no offense to my friends who go there/help there), I didn't feel extremely connected, and I know connection to a group is a two-way street. But I was going to give it a-go again this year.

Except now I work. I work in my home. My kids are with me when I work. But the work I do doesn't allow me to leave the home during the day.

And guess when almost all MOPS meetings are? During the day. sigh.

And now more than ever I need to connect with other women, other moms, because I only am around children all day (not counting the times Mike happens to be home during some daytime hours) - but there are no coworkers in my line of work.
No wellness nights.
No rat-on-the-copy-machine-and-velociraptor-sighting-shennanigans.
So I need some contact with the 30ish-female-species.

There was one lone MOPS group meeting on Tuesday evenings twice a month. I contacted via email. They got back to me. It is not my church. It is actually a denomination I have never attended before (and being my multi-denominational-self, I have been a part of a few). I know absolutely no one at this church/in this group. But I got my shy-butt in gear, along with a diaper bag, a toddler and a baby in our limited AC/Car on this stinkin'hot-degree day in midSeptember - and found myself wandering into an unfamiliar church.

I faced one of my biggest fears - dropping my kids off in an unfamiliar nursery. I have yet to do this anywhere except my church. But they had sign-ins and tags and workers wearing matching shirts and mommy-pagers-for-me. And a friendly face walked with me upstairs to our meeting.

The ladies were very nice - welcoming but not overwhelming. And I got out of my-current-denomination-bubble in which I have started thinking "such and such are Christians, but we have the market on ________ aspect of Christianity." (I hate that I had those thoughts lately without even really knowing I did.) I was humbled by what I saw in these ladies.

All of this ramble to say - I am pretty sure I will be returning to this group twice a month.

family pictures

2011-09-13T15:20:00.000-05:00

Our disc of family pictures arrived today, which makes me happy. And I ended up going with a plain green shirt (layered over white), and I am very happy I did. Did I mention I won an incredible deal for our pictures? Well, I did. So that makes me even happier.
I am uploading my pictures to our shutterfly account rather than putting them on here or facebook because our photographer didn't send us watermarked copies, I don't want to post them on here for copyright reasons - though we have the rights to the pictures.) Anyhoo - if you need the password to our shutterfly account to see the pictures, let me know.

tears and MM 823-835

2011-09-12T17:04:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I cried for others instead of self.
I cried as I watched the ten-year-old footage of the towers falling. And as I listened to interview of the children who never knew their parents.
I cried for some friends for completely different reasons - for their losses, their unanswered prayers, their exhaustion, their overwhelming situations.

The tears reminded me that even those who appear to have it all are going through things - situations we may never understand, trials that take their toll.

All of the tears reminded me - I have so much. An abundance really.

piano music on a Thursday morning ~ "Mommy, kiss it!" after every owie ~ night out with a dozen other ladies for fondue and improv ~ chatting with Bugaboo when the others are napping ~ feathery baby-hair waving in the wind when I "toss" him up high ~ "Night, Jesus!" and a kiss on his B-I-B-L-E ~ four excellent kids for an entire MONDAY of baby-sitting ~ Sunday evening in the backyard with my three favorite people ~ pumpkin.spice.latte on the way to nursery duty~ hairbows in little BQ's hair, making me think some day a girl might be nice ~ hairbows falling out mid-afternoon reminding me why I was given two boys :) ~ reading all sorts of alphabet books and requesting apple books - the treasure of an amazing public library system

my day in eleven words

2011-09-09T23:09:00.001-05:00

runny noses

ice cream run

texts from friend

anticipating tomorrow night

sharing my day with Natalie

the mom guilt

2011-09-08T22:36:00.002-05:00

Today I was attacked by guilt. Just hours after a great "pep talk" by bff Beth Moore no less. (Okay, we are not bffs -I only know her through books and DVDs and I even disagree with her on a few things, but my goodness, I still love that gal). The thoughts swarmed in, mostly during lunch prep and clean-up:

The guilt of not catching that there may or may not be something amiss with Bugaboo's development.
The guilt of dividing my time between my kids and the kids I baby-sit.
The guilt of not holding/reading to/fill-in-the-blank Bugaboo/Bubby enough.
The guilt of being so tired of playing with kids by 4:30 every day the last thing I want to do is ready Bubby another story.
The guilt of thinking if I went back to work for a "real" job the kids would have nicer things.
The guilt of thinking if I was able to "just be" a stay-at-home mom the kids would get to do the things we used to do pre-childcare (library time, park visits, coffee runs...okay the last one is just for me).
The guilt of Bubby handing me a dust bunny and saying, "Daddy vacuums."
The guilt of not calling/emailing/texting/facebooking/visiting friends and family enough.

It is heavy, all of that guilt. It weighed me down for a good portion of the day. But then I remembered something Beth said last night (paraphrasing here)- If something hinders you from experiencing/knowing/believing Truth, it is bondage.

The truth is my kids know I love them, and I am doing what is best for our family at this specific season in our lives.
The truth is Bubby wasn't upset about the dust bunny - he thought it was cool, and only mentioned vacuuming because a) he loves the vacuum and b)I mentioned needing to vacuum first.
The truth is even before I started baby-sitting, I had feelings of guilt about not being enough for my kids, my husband, my family, my friends.

And you know what - I am not enough.
I am not enough for anyone.
I am not enough for myself.
I am not enough, nor should I be.

And that may be my first step to real freedom from guilt.

(joining last minute with Emily @ imperfectprose)

some medical stuff

2011-09-07T13:08:00.002-05:00

All the kiddos are napping/resting at the same time - rare. Here's some medical updates for Bugaboo's nine month appointment today:

27 3/4 in. long (25th-50th percentile), 19.25 lbs (25th percentile)

The doctor is referring Bugaboo to a pediatric neurologist - our appointment is the beginning of October. She is concerned about his muscle tone/motor skills and still a little bit concerned about his tracking(vision). I don't have many more details than this - The Hubs took him to his appointment. I would like to talk to Bubby's physical therapist just to see what she thinks about all of this since they referred us to a neurologist before a physical therapist. Keep us in your prayers, if you will.

In good news on the medical front - we are down to just one medical place to pay off. Thanks to my new job, a refi on our house, help from family members -we paid off the debt we owed the doctors and the labs today. We just have the hospital left (though we gave them a bigger-than-normal-payment today), and we are hopeful to be medical debt free by the holidays.

Please pray for more clients for The Hubs, for our li'l ol' cars to keep working, and no major catastrophes in our home/family for at least the next two years. It would be nice to rebuild our emergency fund (which became the two-kids-in-a-NICU fund) and save for a much needed new-to-us-vehicle. All in due time. We are thankful for all the way God has provided - through the ability for each of us to work in a way that we don't have to pay for childcare, through the generosity of friends and family, for wisdom in budgeting/budget-cutting, etc.

another installment of "what are the MacBoys up to?"

2011-09-06T22:07:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow Bugaboo goes for his nine-month check-up. The Hubs has to take him because I will be here with Bubby and the Q-kids (my baby-sitting clients). Insert mommy-guilt here. So some stats on weight and such hopefully tomorrow. But what is Bugaboo doing these days?

still not quite sitting up independently for very long
taking a great nap almost every morning like clockwork around 9:30 and then a hit/miss one sometime every afternoon when he feels like it
starting to babble a little more - the other day while his big brother was napping, the two of us had a great conversation - so sweet
liking books - his favorites so far are the ones with pictures of other babies in them
diggin' looking at himself in the mirror
loves smiling/"chatting" with big brother, he laughs the most with Bubby
eating stage 3 fruits, but not doing so well with "solid" foods like puffs and Cheerios
moved out of his infant carseat a few weeks ago - sad for mommy's heart, happy for mommy's arms/back

These days Bubby:

loves playing outside "more running" is what he says in the yard thanks to our P.T. Miss Tara
enjoys all art projects he gets to do with Mommy and Lil Miss Q (little girl I babysit)
knows all capital letters, about 50% of lowercase, can tell you all the consonant sounds, and the basic short vowel sounds
current favorite books: Fox in Socks, Wet Dog, and out of his kids' Bible the stories about "Jesus, boat, rock, disciples, come-on." (There are two boat stories with Jesus and he retells them together - the one where Jesus calms the waves and the one where Peter walks to Jesus, hence the "come-on.")
still working on physical therapy skills such as running, jumping, stairs, and climbing on equipment.
he can point out every food place/store we have ever been to as we ride around town in a car "Ma-donald's -fries. Aldis. Coffee. Starbucks. Donut. Chicken. Hot dog. Soda. (those last three indicate Sonic) Store. (dillons) Libree (Library) Church. Mall." He loves to go grocery shopping - it is his new Tuesday afternoon outing with The Hubs now that I am tied to the house during the day.
He is using lots of three word phrases now, though if he can get away with it, he sticks to two.
funny/sweet things Bubby has said lately (I really need to keep a jar to jot them all down in):

"Hi Sweet Boy!" to the "buggie" flying around the kitchen
"Hi baby brother."
instead of just saying yes, he says, "Oh Yeah!" with correct intonation
"mmm, yum, good, lishus" (delicious)
Today I asked him to stop rolling his toy train off the coffee table because it then crashed to the floor. I told him if he did it again, I would take it. He did it again (of course with an impish grin), and when I said, "Bring Mommy the train," he looked at me and in all seriousness said, "Bus." - because it was a toy bus that was crashing off of the table.
oh there is so much more, but I don't remember - agh! I better write these things down daily somewhere

the importance of not skimming over the stories you know by heart

2011-09-05T22:01:00.001-05:00

The last two evenings I have been in Mark 4. This chapter includes the parable of the seeds - the ones being picked up, not growing, attacked by thorns, and growing a harvest. If you grew up going to Sunday school for any portion of your childhood, you most likely know the story by heart. I did.
But I've been doing the Inductive Bible Study method lately, and I love it because it is making me slooooowwwww down. And in the slowing my eyes/heart/mind kept being drawn back to verses 18-19.

And others are the ones on whom seed was sown among the thorns; these are the ones who have heard the word, but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful.

Last night a thought popped in my head when I read the verses, but I pushed it down. However, I couldn't escape an ah-ha moment tonight. My worries, insecurities, jealousies,desires for more, etc. are choking the Truth out of me. Without the dependence on Truth, I am lacking fruit both in my life and the ability to help others live a fruitful life.

And if this wasn't ah-ha enough, I remembered that a week or so ago I wrote down Gal. 5:22-25 on a card. The first part is the nicey-nice stuff about love, joy, peace, etc. But the second half is the hard stuff - the crucifying self because we belong to Christ, the Truth that if we "live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit." That's hard stuff, but powerful.

I feel like whining - the easy life seems so much, well easier. But I have to keep in mind I am not alone on this path. Anyone else out there feel like sometimes life tries to choke the Truth out of them? How do you deal? (Please no cookie-cutter answers.) A friend reminded me today to live like I am forgiven. What does that look like for you all?

There is strength in encouraging one another and walking together, right? Feel free to be real here. Some days are great for me, but some days I want to put about a half-a-dozen pumpkin spice lattes and a pair of new boots on a credit card just to make myself "feel" better, and since I am too practical to do that I feel doubly-frustrated. Anyone? Buhler? Buhler?

in all circumstances (MM 813-822)

2011-09-04T23:16:00.002-05:00

Discontentment and I wrestle a lot. Whether it is over a perfectionism battle of finding a shirt that meets twenty-seven different criteria or the daily struggle to not let my unmet expectations cause me frustration, discontentment seems to want to trap me at any random moment. And then I beat myself up about it.
I need to give myself the grace to say, "When you know better, you do better." I am learning, some days struggling, but some days succeeding - finding contentment and giving thanks in all circumstances:

813.hot weather on Saturday to make me anticipate the fall-ish weather that arrived today

814. Bubby's fierce independence in not smiling for family pictures - this will serve him well in years of peer-pressure, right?

815. three of us sharing a drive-thru meal and the satisfaction at frugality
816. beans and rice for dinner reminding us that there are so many in the world without food, without options
817. unexpected toddler nursery work and a chance to meet someone new-to-me
818. decreased clients this week for The Hubs - an opportunity to pray for more clients and new ways to trust God daily

819. extra moments to snuggle Bugaboo with his stuffy nose

820. learning that while some things drive me nuts, other people enjoy them - so I should be kind and just let it be
821. two shirts to take back to two stores this week because I ended up going with a plain green shirt that I have had for four or five years

822. books scattered on shelves and tubs all over the boys' room, the tv stand, my dresser, my night stand - well-loved clutter

joining with Ann's community

photo-shopping aka the day I almost lost my salvation (kidding!)

2011-09-01T21:05:00.000-05:00

We are getting family pictures taken on Saturday because we have had Bugaboo around now for almost nine months and even at big gatherings where we all dressed up and spiffy no one takes a picture of just our family of four. There are always ~~random~~ lovely family members ~~invading~~ invited into our space.

I began thinking the last couple weeks about what we would all wear. Visions of Gap kids commercials and JCrew ads danced in my head. And then reality hit because my kids own nothing Gap and I (sadly) own nothing JCrew. I wanted to coordinate but not be matchy. I googled, facebooked, and pinterested.

Source: inspiremebaby.com via CreativeImages on Pinterest

Source: alittlelovelyblog.blogspot.com via CreativeImages on Pinterest

In this process I discovered the drawback to allowing your sons only a couple of matching shirts is that somehow their wardrobe lacks ANYTHING that coordinates. If Bubby had a plaid shirt in one color, Bugaboo did not have a solid in it. If Bugaboo had a striped in a scheme, Bubby had nothing in that motif. And if by some miracle I found something that sort of worked it was too casual or too formal for one of them and not the other. Ugh.

Thus I decided each boy and The Hubs would wear a solid polo shirt non-matching/non-clashing colors. However, my sons own nothing of the sort at their current sizes. So I went to Tarjay. By myself.

Alas, they had nothing "plain" in stock. Everything had a number or a cartoon character or a sarcastic phrase on the front. Agh. I called The Hubs who whispered four lovely words: "Go to the mall."

JCPenney was having a major sale on baby/toddler clothes. Shirts for $2-4. I thought I found a solution after an hour of searching the disorganized racks. A plain rusty colored collared shirt for Bugaboo and a pretty rad print collared shirt in reddish, gray, white for Bubby with design on the back only. My kids were going to be stylin'. And I found a shirt for moi on the way out the door.

But mall lighting is deceiving. Bugaboo's shirt looked too close to pink for any little boy to have permanently on film and Bubby's shirt was too small (though by the sizing tag it should have been too big.) And the shirt was too big up top for me and too small on bottom.

(camera phone picture b/c I'm too lazy to get my camera - they REALLY look pink here)

AGH! What's a girl to do? Give up on the Gap ad dream???

Yes.

I decided our family never looks like a Gap ad, so why should our pictures? My kids have a simple life - heck, I think I am the one woman in America who did not decorate a nursery for her babies (I still feel a twinge guilty about that, but I could not justify spending hundreds of dollars on a room for someone who can't appreciate it yet.) Why am I worrying about something that is supposed to be FUN and REPRESENT my family at THIS MOMENT in time? (I'm shouting at myself here, not you all.)

So the JCP items will be returned this weekend, and the MacFamily will be wearing items that we would probably wear on any day where we were going to be seen in public. The only difference is I will be wearing make-up for a change. :)


(Saturday's attire - though The Hubs and I will be wearing jeans, not featured here	)

not a bofa

2011-08-31T22:01:00.000-05:00

He sat on the sofa across from me.

(I cannot type the word sofa without hearing the line:
"and the bofa on the sofa acts as if he doesn't care.")

But my guy on the sofa
He's no bofa.

He listened without trying to fix a single thing.
No words of advice. Or suggestions. Or anything.
Just cared enough to only listen.

And then left me alone with my thoughts when I needed him to do so.

Sometimes love is shown in the simplest of ways.

wrapping it up

2011-08-30T17:28:00.001-05:00

How do I wrap up a month of focusing on a full life? It's not as if I have arrived. Not even close. I still have half a notebook page filled with ideas. Yes, a notebook page because I think best in blue ink and spiral binding.
Therefore you all have not heard the end of my "full life" thoughts, but I can't just write about it. I have to live it. As I do, the stories of this new adventure will undoubtedly end up here, both successes and failures.
But for now, I'll return you to your regularly scheduled program filled with pictures of the two cutest boys on the planet (no bias here), top ten lists, five minute Fridays, imperfect prose entries, and any other thing that pops in my mind that I can't help but display on a computer screen. I write because I can't imagine NOT writing. It's like eating, sleeping, and breathing to me.

Thanks for joining me, this month, friends. (And yes, I know August has thirty-one days, and today is only number thirty.)

continuously filled

2011-08-29T15:59:00.002-05:00

"...let the Spirit fill your life." Eph. 5:18 (CEV)

My mind is spinning from a Jim Cymbala DVD. I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts because so much of it is the next phase of putting into practice everything God has been teaching me this month. The timing of it all amazes me, and I wish I could go to coffee with some of you and dialogue about it.

Cymbala mentioned on the DVD -

There's a difference between having the Spirit living in us and being filled with the Holy Spirit.
There's a difference between being a Christian and being a Spirit-filled Christian.
Eph.5:17-18 - is actually a military-style command in the original language - so we are supposed to be continuously filled.
Filled does not mean like a glass of water. It actually means being controlled.
The key to a Spirit-filled life is to humble ourselves.
(And my fav):It's not about what you are doing; it's about what you are becoming.

So what does that mean for me, on this journey toward a full life?
It means I have to daily ask to be filled with the Holy Spirit - to be empowered. I don't believe this empowerment is for anything super-spiritual or hyper-emotional, although at times it can have a charismaticl/emotional component. I believe first and foremost that this empowerment that comes from God's Spirit is for obedience.
Deciding to ask daily to be filled with God's Spirit is a huge commitment. It means God may use me in ways that take me out of my comfort zone. It means He is going to be producing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control in me - and those things aren't produced in a comfy little bubble. It means to whom much is given, much is required.
Am I ready? I think so.
The alternative is to miss out on the most intimate, exciting, adventurous, and loving relationship I could ever have. The alternative is to have a half-full life, which is not a full life at all.
So we are stepping out in faith, The Hubs and I, after so many discussions lately, including one last night on this topic. We aren't sure what it will look like or where God will lead, but we are asking Him to show up and to move in our home, in our lives. We want the full life for which we were created.

MM 800-812

2011-08-28T21:51:00.000-05:00

I have pictures I want to upload, stories to share, thoughts to discuss, but for now, just my gratitude list.

800. a Sunday school DVD that stirred up a ton of thoughts - seemed to correspond well with what God has been teaching me this month - (I'll blog on it soon.)
801. date night courtesy of "Boppy and Nana" who were in town this weekend
802. a whole lot of ice cream this weekend
803. pastor that didn't shy away from a semi-controversial subject
804. convicting reminder that the Church MUST do it's part if we don't want the government to do what Christians SHOULD be doing (I'll be writing about this sometime this week, too.)
805. extra hours of work for me - good news since The Hubs had a couple clients cancel - continued provision
806. short hair
807. hair dresser who I trust enough to say, "Do whatever you think is best." - That is trust, friends. :)
808. boys who are excellent during Sunday lunch with Boppy and Nana
809. bacon cheeseburger with onion straws - be still my heart
810.The Hubs mopping while I was getting my hair cut
811. playing outside with the kiddos in the morning
812. tentative meal (dinner) planned for M-F for the next four weeks

I have no fullness apart from...

2011-08-26T16:35:00.001-05:00

"And the Wordbecame flesh anddwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full ofgrace andtruth. ... And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace." John 1:14 & 16

Christmastime is usually when we hear these verses, but lately they have been a couple of my faves.
I have no fullness apart from Him.

Awhile back I went to counseling. And one of the pieces of advice the counselor gave me was, "fake it till you make it." I hated that advice. I still do. I stopped going to that counselor even though she graduated from my alma mater.

I can't fake it till I make it. When I pretend that everything is okay, inside I still feel miserable. I cannot fake a life of joy or hope or thanks or any of it. Not for long anyway.

So what is the alternative? Resort to my natural pessimistic tendencies? I guess I could, but that doesn't make my life much fuller either.

I have to make the choice to be authentic but still optimistic. I have to choose to have the perspective of saying in the same breath, "Such and such sucks, but it could be worse. I have been given the gift of ______. " I have to choose to ask for the grace to continue pursuing the full, abundant life even when I'd rather pull the covers over my head. I have to choose to pursue the Giver of the Full Life.

(author's note: I realize this post may have seemed like I am having a difficult time right now - I am not. But I have at other points in my life, and I probably will again. No worries - life isn't perfect, but it IS pretty full right now.)

faithFULL

2011-08-25T14:18:00.002-05:00

There are many definitions of faith, and even more quotes on the subject, but Hebrews 11:1 is one of the best out there.
"Now faith is the reality of what is hoped for, the proof of what is not seen." (HCSB)
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." (NLT)
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction ofthings not seen." (ESV)

Is my life full of faith: Assurance of, conviction of, confidence in, and proof of the un-seeable and sometimes un-understandable things in which I believe?

The last two or three years have taught me a lot about living by faith - being assured that God has a plan for my life and for my family, convicted that He is not the author of confusion, confident that He is doing a work in my life, and being given proof time and time again that He can work all things for good.

I don't know how people with a smooth-sailing life can have strong faith. I'm not saying that they don't, I just don't have much experience with that. It seems that a life that gets filled with faith gets that way because of the challenges and circumstances that can only be overcome because of faith.

Faith is boldness when it is easier to be timid.
Faith is forgiveness when it is easier to be bitter.
Faith is trusting when it is easier to control.

Without faith, can life be JOYfull, THANKfull, MERCYfull, GRACEfull, HOPEfull, WONDERFULL, PRAYERfull, WORSHIPfull, and BEAUTYfull?

I think faith enables us to have the other things in life that make us full.

when I'm feeling drained

2011-08-24T10:49:00.002-05:00

It seems strange that as I spend a month focusing on what can make our lives full, I was feeling a little drained this week. A new job doing childcare at home this month meant adjusting our routines and re-evaluating our priorities. The last few days I chose to veg out in the evenings with a novel or a dvd instead of refueling in the Word. I felt a tad hypocritical.
And the last few days I have been drained.
So I resumed studying James. I just spent about twenty-minutes before I turned Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin back on, but it helped. I doubted that the time would help, that piddly amount done a little begrudginly at first, but it did. And this morning I am ready to face the day with thanksgiving and joy and hope because I have received grace. Grace that even though I will not always be a perfect mom or baby-sitter or wife or friend, I can still start fresh each morning. Filled. Full.

hope floats

2011-08-22T14:04:00.000-05:00

One of my all time favorite movies is Hope Floats. Harry Connick, Jr. in a cowboy hat, a fantastic country soundtrack, Sandra Bullock with some ugly-cry moments, and this quote:

"Beginnings are usually scary, endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will."

Isn't that true?
I think of college - scary in the beginning (especially with the suitemate situation of '99), sad when it ended, but amazing moments in the middle.
Relationships follow that same pattern, too, whether in friendships, romances, or family dynamics.
Motherhood - I'm not sure if I am out of the scary-beginning phase, but I know that every moment counts in this journey, and at the end of it, there will be tears.

It's hope that gets us through our journeys.
Hope that the middle does count.
Hope that our time here on earth will mean something to somebody.

Even when it seems hope is gone, it really isn't. It may be hidden by circumstance or situation, but hope is always there if we just pursue it. It wants to be found. It gets us through the most difficult times - the idea that something better is just around the corner, that even things that aren't good can end up working for good. Hope wants to fill our lives because without it, there isn't much worth living for.

MM786-799

2011-08-21T22:13:00.000-05:00

I've spent the last few evenings reading and conversing and laughing while contemplating if I love Tina Fey or Alec Baldwin's character more. I spent the wee hours of Friday/Saturday with a coughing Bubby on the couch, and the wee hours of Saturday/Sunday with a Bugaboo (who normally sleeps all night through but seems to be teething...) This afternoon we said goodbye... I mean see you later to dear friends. The weekend was filled with a lot and a little, and here it is Sunday night again, and I wonder why time moves the way it does, why life moves the way it does...
and in everything I choose to give thanks.

(joining with Ann)

root beer floats ~ a room full of babies - many of them specific answers to prayer in one way or another ~ six years of friendship ~ 30Rock dvds from the library ~ characters like Katniss, that I find myself wanting to befriend though she is fiction ~ The Hubs doing my least favorite chore: emptying the dishwasher ~ less time online ~ hearing Cheryl and Ron sing Blessed Assurance in harmony next to me on the pew~

daddy/son pillow fights ~ Bubby saying his letter sounds ~ brothers laughing together ~

cosleeping for a change with Bugaboo ~ post-baby jeans on sale that fit that don't make me look like a mommy ~ the cutest belly ever

8 month pictures

2011-08-21T21:54:00.000-05:00

I get later each month with Bugaboo's monthly pictures. I'm sorry sweet Bugaboo.

mercy and grace

2011-08-19T16:17:00.000-05:00

I am not a theologian, though every once in awhile I think about going to the seminary we have here in town. I know people with MDivs and such could tell you the difference between mercy and grace. Here's what I know:

Grace - getting what you don't deserve.
Mercy - not getting what you deserve.

To me they are theological peanut butter and jelly. Yes, they can be separate, but most of the time they go together and are best together.

So what does that look like in a full life?

I think it is seeing the big picture, understanding people's hearts, doing our best to live at peace with everyone. I know that is not always possible. We are human. This is earth. There is justice and accountability and consequences. But a full life has to be filled with these two things - or it will be emptied as it drops the important things in life by trying to hold on to every little thing, things we were never intended to hold on to.
No one can make others change. But I can be ready to extend mercy and grace when the moment arrives by daily acknowledging the grace and mercy I receive and passing it on at each opportunity.

grace is power

2011-08-17T22:01:00.002-05:00

"Grace is not simply leniency when we have sinned. Grace is the enabling gift of God not to sin. Grace is power, not just pardon." ~ John Piper

Grace is power.
Do I think of it that way?
Power to forgive.
Power to give when I think I don't have the strength or ability or resources to give any more.
Power to stand up for what is right.
Power to do what is right.
Power to start each day as a new, blank slate.

Grace is not only meek and mild. Grace is strong and bold. A gracefULL life stands out like a flower in a patch of weeds and brush because the actions and attitude of grace are so contrary to much of what goes on in the world today.

"And from His fullness, we all have received, grace upon grace." John 1:16 (ESV)

I cannot be graceFULL on my own efforts. The gift of extending grace, being shown grace, and having grace bestowed on me cycles again and again, and as it does, I am filled.

A JoyFULLMommy is the Best Mommy

2011-08-16T22:46:00.003-05:00

I was going to write about graceFULL today. But this morning I read this over at incourage. And this message from it kept going through my head all day. I even put it on my facebook.

Burn the "Perfect Mother List." Just do what gives you joy — a joyful mommy is the best mommy.

JoyFULL.
"The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)." John 10:10 (AMP)

What robs my life of joy?

Stressing out about macaroni and cheese thrown from booster seats.
Getting frustrated about laundry that I forgot to move from the washer to the dryer.
Trying to hurry up everyone and everything all of the time.
Worrying about the bills, the needs, the wants.
Looking at the greener grass on the other side of the fence.

What fills my life with joy?
Being with my husband and kids and family and friends.
Understanding who I am in Christ and living in that freedom.
Learning to trust - people, God, myself.
Getting a few things checked off my to-do list, but realizing that "after all tomorrow is another day..." (cue Gone With the Wind theme here)

What brings me joy in my role as mommy?
playing, reading, sand singing with my kids
being around them almost all of the time
having a livable house rather than an impeccable one
doing a load of laundry daily rather than one long day of laundry
giving up new cars and vacations for the everyday moments

I think joy is more often a struggle for me than it should be.

What does that say about me? My faith? My belief system? Maybe the struggle with having a joyFULL life is once again due to the comparison trap - trying to do things in my life that bring other people joy (or at least seem to from the outside), but for one reason or another do not do that for me.

I keep thinking of the puzzle pieces Bubby tries to sometimes fit in the wrong place. He can turn and push and ask for help all he wants, but until he puts the piece in the right slot, it just won't work.So it seems that the joyFULL life is understanding who you were called to be and going with it instead of trying to fit into somoene else's spot.
What do you think?

a prayer is authentic conversation

2011-08-15T14:44:00.001-05:00

And I wonder
when did I start making shopping lists
instead of impassioned pleas
impromptu praise
and most of all
authentic conversation?

(from the "I used to write poetry" post)

Authentic conversation.

I don't have a ton of lengthy conversations with most people these days. I text my parents. Play phone tag with or send facebook messages to my best friends. At this point in my life I find myself flopping into bed at night, reaching for my husband's hand, and one of us saying, "It's your turn to pray."
I think God understands that at some places in our journeys a prayerFULL life is whispering, "Help me not yell about the ink smeared all over the sofa."
A prayerFULL life is emailing a friend to say, "Please pray about a situation that has come my way." A prayerFULL life is, "Thank You for the parking spot right next to the cart return."
Right now a prayerFULL life does not look as FULL of prayer as I would like, but He takes what I have and fills me more.

MM 771-785

2011-08-14T21:43:00.000-05:00

Sometimes things turn out differently than you expect. Sometimes you get to be pleasantly surprised. Those moments get you through the days that don't go the way you want. They help you persevere through the less than ideal times. Because just when you say you don't want to hold out any hope, your hope gets restored just a little bit.

first time at the movies in a long time ~ movie that was pretty close to the book ~The Hubs vacuuming out the backseat of the car which probably had enough Cheerios and goldfish crumbs to make a new box of each ~ actions that speak louder than words ~ the way my baby boy will snuggle back to sleep on some of the mornings he wakes up an hour too early ~ computer/internet that is working a little better today ~ ideas for Bubby ~ pleasant billing people at the hospital ~ playing outside with my babies ~ reflecting on some great college memories thanks to Facebook ~ Bugaboo going to sleep on his own for naps and bedtime like a champ (and without cry-it-out so far!) ~ Fox in Socks becoming Bubby's new favorite ~ anticipating paying off one of our medical bills this week ~ "school" supplies for Bubs ie crayons, markers, paint, construction paper because I have an excuse to once again indulge in a little bit of the August rush

put your money where your mouth is

2011-08-11T23:02:00.001-05:00

Consider this a commercial break, or rather a public service announcement, from the full life series.

I get a little bummed about not seeing a movie in a theatre since 2010- January 2010.
I get a little worried about the state of the economy, both personal, national, and international.
But I have food and water and shelter and so much more. And there is a world that doesn't. Right now - this very moment.
http://www.compassion.com/africa-drought.htm

JoAnn and Emily both reminded me I have a responsibility. Plus, I've been reading James for a couple of weeks now (Kay-Arthur-inductive-Bible-study-method-style), but tonight I looked up a certain passage in The Message. It puts it right there in your face. Or at least mine.

"Dear friends, do you think you'll get anywhere in this if you learn all the right words but never do anything? Does merely talking about faith indicate that a person really has it? For instance, you come upon an old friend dressed in rags... and half-starved and say, "Good morning, friend! Be clothed in Christ! Be filled with the Holy Spirit!" and walk off without providing so much as a coat or a cup of soup—where does that get you? Isn't it obvious that God-talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense." James 2:14-17

I believe the Church has a responsibility. I believe in small government because people should be moved to help others rather than coerced. There's nothing worse than a "fiscally conservative Christian" who ignores the needs of the world around him/her. So I better put my money where my mouth is from both my faith-based standpoints and my political ones, too.

a worshipFULL life propels us

2011-08-11T11:29:00.001-05:00

"Just as worship begins in holy expectancy, it ends in holy obedience. If worship does not propel us into greater obedience, it has not been worship." Richard Foster

"In the end, worship can never be a performance, something you're pretending or putting on. It's got to be an overflow of your heart..... Worship is about getting personal with God, drawing close to God." Matt Redman

It's not about legalism, it's about having a life so full of gratitude for who God is and what He has done, that you must respond. I don't think God cares how long my list of thanks is, how high I raise my hands, or how loud I sing if I don't do my best to treat people the way He wants them to be treated, to get out of my comfort zone, to let go of selfishness, to do the difficult things that I don't want to do... that is a worshipFULL life.

I don't have it all together.
I snap at people when I shouldn't, I get impatient in grocery store lines, I roll my eyes at things I overhear. But I'm learning. I want to change.
And by His grace, as He fills me with more of Himself, the transformation begins.

worshipFULL

2011-08-10T14:58:00.000-05:00

My two year old is completely unaware of the secular and the sacred. His children's Bible sits on the same shelf as Dr. Seuss and Sandra Boyton. He says, "Amen!" as enthusiastically as "More please," and "Thank you." He sings I've Got The Joy, Joy, Joy and then in the next moment requests The Wheels on the Bus.
The sacred and the secular intertwine in a full life.
Worship is not assigned to Sundays, Wednesdays, Bible studies or prayer meetings. A worshipFULL life happens at first through habit, and then it gradually just becomes a part of who we are.
Our lives will overflow with worship as it becomes something we do without boundaries, guidelines, and hesitation.

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him" ~ John Piper

an invitation to be beautyFULL

2011-08-09T08:46:00.002-05:00

What makes life beautyFULL?

Is it a new a swishy skirt or a bouquet of daisies on a kitchen table? A sunset at a lake? A stack of old books on the bedside table or mantle adorned with pictures and mementos?

To me beauty is meaningful conversation, the way my two year-old kisses the top of his baby brother's head, the sound that resonates from my piano, how my husband quietly reads from the Word every morning while eating Honey Nut Cheerios, a random act of kindness.

Beauty is not perfection, it is sacrifice and commitment, thanksgiving and grace.

My favorite singer/song-writer explains beauty pretty well:

It comes in loving community
It comes in helping a soul find it's worth

It comes in small inspirations
It brings redemption to life and work
To our lives and our work

Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful
This is grace, an invitation

I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

(~ Sara Groves, "Add to the Beauty")

MM 758-770

2011-08-08T13:09:00.000-05:00

The full life series will resume again tomorrow. Joining with Ann's community and giving thanks for the things that add to the fullness in my life.

dinner with friends for the first time since all of our babies were born~ Bubby requesting "Owie, Owie" (aka "Holy, Holy" aka "Revelation Song") ~ Bugaboo laughing in the backseat ~ first "paycheck" in a couple of years ~ acquaintance's mom's tumor downgraded from stage 2 to stage 0 by the power of prayer ~ The Hubs making French toast which Bubby gobbled down ~ a whole lot of tiny fingerprints on coffee table glass ~ seeing how well my little guy gets along with others ~ thunder in the wee hours of the morning ~ finally some rain ~ toothless grins ~ courage

when life tries to empty you

2011-08-07T22:13:00.001-05:00

I know this month my blog has a serious tone. It isn't always like that around here. There are usually funny stories of the boys, different blog hops I link up with, an occasional vent about something ridiculous. So if you are here wondering when that stuff will be back, it will be eventually, but God knew before I did that I would need to focus on the concept of a full life this month.

This weekend had a couple of trying moments. Even amidst this focus on learning to live an intentionally full life, circumstances are attempting to empty me. The daily things like never-ending laundry combined with the unpleasantness of confronting situations that I'd rather avoid all take a toll.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."John 10:10

I want a full life. No, I NEED a full life. I was created for it.

The full life comes from the grace of God, as we make room for Him - as we see the beauty in what we have been given, even in the moments it feels like so much else is falling apart. There is beauty in the act of trust, beauty in the sincerity of tears, beauty in the gut-wrenching prayers which state, "I can depend on no one else but You."

When life tries to empty me, I can let it, or I can find a way to be filled.

wonderFULL

2011-08-05T05:38:00.005-05:00

This afternoon I had my colored pencils and notebook which contains my gratitude list out on the couch. Bubby eyed these new items - not quite the familiar crayons or markers, but similar. He glanced my way with the most beautiful grin, and before I could finish my nod, he began drawing on my notebook.

For a brief moment of hesitation I wanted to keep my notebook free from scribbles, but what better addition to my list of blessings than to have captured on paper this moment of discovery for my two year old - this moment full of wonder.

I want to be full of wonder at sunsets and conversations over coffee, at giggles in the backseat and the way the bills get paid each month. A life full of thanks for the little things becomes a life full of wonder at the little things.

thankFULL

2011-08-04T05:41:00.001-05:00

Right up front I feel like I should let you all know that I didn't know which way to type this one - thankFULL or thanksFULL. It didn't quite fit the pattern as easily as most of the others, and the perfectionist in me has to let. it. go.

I feel like it has to be first because a life without thanks is an empty life.

Thanksgiving does not come naturally to me. I long to be thankful, but complaining and comparing is much easier. I never even realized how much my negativity drained me until, after finding Ann Voskamp's blog, I started counting gifts on Mondays. Then I read her book, and it changed my life.

My natural response is still inclined to the woe is me. Even today I was cleaning up mac and cheese noodles, Cheerios, and peas from my kitchen floor thinking how humiliating it is that I with my master's degree am cleaning up after toddlers and babies. Halfway through my internal complaints, the thought hit me that the One I want most to be like came to serve, came in the most humble way, even though He was entitled to so much more - He was entitled to everything. A few months ago, I would have continued in my pity-party, and my afternoon would have been robbed of contentment. But instead I remembered to fill my heart, my mind, my mouth with thanks, and the rest of my day was much fuller than I believe it otherwise would have been.

“We only enter into the full life if our faith gives thanks. Thanksgiving is the manifestation of our YES! to His grace. Thanksgiving is inherent to a true salvation experience; thanksgiving is necessary to live the well, whole, fullest life.” ~ Ann Voskamp

It is not always easy, but it is necessary. To get the most out of life, to enjoy it to the fullest, every day, every moment, I must be noticing the gifts and thanking the Giver. A life will never be full unless it is first thankful.

full people fill others

2011-08-03T06:15:00.002-05:00

Pondering what a full life looks like is somewhat abstract to me. I need examples, real-life with skin-on examples.

Without hesitation, the first people that come to mind are a couple I have actually known since I was born. They didn't live by us for long, but I visited with them at different times in my life. They are the most sincere, giving, fun, hospitable people I know. I spent my best Thanksgiving with them - a house full of their family and friends and anyone they could think of to invite. They exude life to the fullest. Love and joy and peace run deep in them and in their children.

Two other couples old enough to be my parents are other examples I have in my life. Every week for the last three years they have poured their knowledge, their humor, their experiences into lives of twenty or so young parents/married people. I look at them and I see transparency - a gift that flows over into those of us just craving someone further ahead that has not done things perfectly, but has done things well.

It seems a cycle - we must be filled in order to be full, and I think we also need to be filling others in order to stay filled. Does that make sense? Is it even accurate? "To whom much is given much is required." We aren't given blessings - material, spiritual, or otherwise - to hoard and save them for a rainy day. I don't believe our blessings will run out - they may look different each day, but they will not run out.

"The bowl of flour was not exhausted nor did the jar of oil become empty, according to the word of the LORD which He spoke through Elijah." 1 Kings 17:16.

How can I be used to bless someone else today?

simplicity as a part of the process

2011-08-02T05:49:00.006-05:00

As I let go of the grip I have on everything, the imaginary friend named Control, I am emptied. Doors closed, babies that came too early, house that we are still in because it would not sell - all of these circumstances among others have been used to loosen my fingers.

The self is continuously being poured out, both by choice and by circumstance. In every way my life has been simplified, I have been made full rather than empty.

"Simplicity isn't about what you give up. It's about what you gain. When you remove the things that don't matter to you, you are free to focus on only the things that are meaningful to you." Tsh Oxenider

I want to wake up every day with a certain amount of focus, perspective, and flexibility. Those things can only happen through a simpler life. As I empty my life of the material, physical, spiritual, and emotional distractions and burdens, there is room for a full life.

becoming empty to be full

2011-08-01T09:43:00.001-05:00

As I began writing today on this month long focus on a "full life," I discovered one of the posts that was a catalyst to all of this has somehow disappeared. It was published two Five-Minute-Fridays ago, and now, mysteriously, it is gone.
There are few things I enjoy more than the written word, and I am a little heart-broken at this discovery. Even so, the questions that started me on this specific journey shout to me in this moment.

"Who/what will fill you?"
"How will you know when you are full?"
"Where can you go when you are empty?"
"Why do you want to be filled - and with what?"

We fill our lives with so much - homes and gadgets and people and events - but when do we acquire enough?

Sometimes it seems my life does not have room for any more problems and questions, for any more obligations and dreams. I just long to be emptied of myself, which is a frightening thing to want. Such a request often strips someone down to nothing. And the nakedness of having and being nothing makes one vulnerable and weak, but it also makes one ready and qualified.

This month I begin by asking to be made empty so that I may be made truly full. With fear mixed with hope and a little bit of expectation I pray that I "may be filled with all the fullness of God."

I stressed a little yesterday... (and MM 744-757)

2011-07-31T17:11:00.002-05:00

I stressed a little yesterday.

We invited people over for dinner - this is the second time we've done this (different people) in just a few weeks. One of my new goals is to become more hospitable. I have always been pro-hospitality, and I love people and being around them. Yet my fears and insecurities have hindered me more than they should have.
In the hours leading up to their arrival I worried - about the trash from the house behind us that blew into our yard, about the lack of playroom or basement for the kids (of a variety of ages) to play in, about my potato dish didn't turn out so I had to change my plan to minute rice, etc.

But when they arrived a few minutes late because my new friend confessed she had dropped something on the way out the door - and so she finished up her offering when they got to our place- I felt at ease. The kids (though girls and mostly older than my boys) played beautifully, we ate and chatted, and I forgot about the size of my house and location of my neighborhood and just shared life for a few hours.

When it was all said and done, The Hubs and I looked at each other and said, "That worked out. Let's keep doing this."

Joining with Ann's group to give thanks for gifts 744-757
the chance to work at home this fall ~ reminders everywhere that life is FULL ~ free DVDs from the library ~ the sound of Bugaboo laughing at Bubby ~ weekend for the first time all summer without The Hubs having homework ~ amazing mentor meeting at church ~ hearing a friend's good news ~ koinonia ~ tears that flow freely with hymns and a Revelation song ~ something new on the horizon for intergenerational connections

five minute friday - "still"

2011-07-29T09:51:00.001-05:00

I still hold out hope. Even after all this time. I can't help it. There are still situations I do not understand and about which I am still holding my breath, even though I often tell others I'm not.
Still, after days and weeks and months...
Still, after hurt and tears and lies...
Still, amidst seeing others benefit from our losses...
Still, aching for retribution and restoration and rejoicing...

I wonder why I still care and am still affected, but I don't think I'd like the person I'd be if I didn't hold out hope ... still.

Edit: oops! I meant to type restitution not retribution, but if I'm honest I struggle with wanting that, too.

a trio of highlights

2011-07-28T23:07:00.003-05:00

It is amazing how an hour or two of conversation with another adult can rejuvenate me - even if that conversation takes place while kids run amuck and have toddler tantrums over toys. (pretty nifty alliteration there, eh?) I was able to visit with two different friends and their kids over the last two days. Happy summer vacation to me. :)

Note to self: start taking pictures of self with friends. Or at least of friends. I realize I never take pictures of my friends or me or us together. I'm not sure why this is, so here is an oldie but goodie of a friend I don't get to see very often. (I only see this friend once a year at the most, so sadly she was not one of the friends I saw this week.)

In other happy news, I am lined up to do childcare for two little ones whose parents go to the same church as us. Their kids are similar ages to mine, so it may feel like I have two sets of twins at my house some days. Pray for me. :) Just kidding - - I am pretty excited about this opportunity and how it seems to be coordinating itself for both my family needs and theirs.

The best news of all today, The Hubs is done with his eight weeks of summer classes. He has three (I think) weeks off of class, though he still will be working in the afternoons/evenings. I think Bubby will be thrilled to have Daddy around more in the morning, and perhaps I can send the two of them to the pool once or twice before summer ends.

what are the MacBoys up to and a sidenote up front

2011-07-27T23:46:00.001-05:00

I have ideas and words and thoughts scribbled in my notebook (yes, I still use pen and paper) - the more I read and jot, the more things pop into my head. The learning process never ceases to amaze me. I am looking forward to sharing more with you on these thoughts in just a few days.

but for now... the "obligatory" update post.

This post is mainly for the grandparents and the aunties and such - and for me - because I don't keep a baby book on my boys - just this blog and some shutterfly albums that I work on in spurts.

Bubby is getting too grown up. The Hubs and I just want to write everything down that he says and does or video it. Sadly, Bubby always stops his cute antics when the camera gets going.

"Boggle-gul-gul" is sounding more like "gobble" (a game Bubs plays with Daddy), "lo-lo" is now more often "oshen" (lotion), and he answers "yeah" or "yes" to questions.

He's doing better on the phone with Babu, and he shares pretty lovingly with Bugaboo.

He loves giving his baby brother kisses, and is always very concerned that Bugaboo is going to bed soon, too. "Baby nighht-night?"

Bubby loves "retelling" his favorite books from memory, often out of nowhere, as well as climbing on the coffee table to play the piano. (I accidentally taught him to do that one day.) On the upside, his climbing has enabled him to climb into his booster seat and buckle it all by himself. Not bad for a kid who still gets P.T. once a month!

He's still asking to use the Elmo seat (potty), but only a couple of successes so far.

Mr. Smarty-pants is memorizing the order of songs on his favorite cds, especially the Laurie Beckner one from the library. His favorites are the Dinosaurs Marching song, Down, Down, Baby, and I Know a Chicken. We have lots of fun dancing to them in our house.

Poor little guy is begging to go outside daily, but his request often denied due to the heat advisory, his fair skin, and my love of the A/C.

Bugaboo is growing by leaps and bounds - just how much I do not know since we don't go back to the doctor till early September. BUT he is almost out of his 6-9 month clothes. The only reason he isn't in the 9-12 month is because I haven't taken the time to get them out of the tote in the garage and go through what we have. It is too sad for me. I want him to stay little.

The Bugster is ALMOST an independent sitter. Some days he can sit longer than others before toppling over. He takes his tumbles like a champ, though.

We are hopeful that this kiddo will get to bypass physical therapy - the signs so far are looking good because able to bear weight on his legs very well for significant time. I am a little concerned he is not using his arms much/reaching out to get things. We had the vision concerns earlier, but I am not sure what the deal is with this lack-of thing I have noticed the last few weeks. Maybe I am just a little paranoid.

Bugaboo eats like a champ. He has not found a food he doesn't like yet. He's still on stage two, but has eaten pretty much everything there is to offer at that level.

He likes his binky on carrides, for really cranky moments, and sometimes for falling asleep. This whole binky-kid-thing is new to me, but we limit it overall.

He still has yet to do the "fall asleep on his own" really yet. Sharing a room with big brother complicates things, and having a mommy who doesn't like "cry it out" also complicates things.

Bugaboo had his first "haircut." Daddy trimmed off the really long wild hairs, but as you can see he still has plenty of stinkin' adorable crazy baby hair.

top ten ways I want my life to be full

2011-07-26T14:23:00.005-05:00

I can't get the word "full" out of my head. Ever since several months ago I saw this here (and later on I saw it on pinterest)

Source: scrapstudio.tumblr.com via Amanda on Pinterest

I've had many conversations about what a full life is/looks like.

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

Then Friday's topic was full.

Tossing and turning last night, I kept visualizing/brainstorming "full" words.

I can't escape it. I want my life to be authentically full, and I am sensing I need to write and share about what IS and ISN'T a FULL life.

Top Ten Words that have come to mind as I reflect on how I want a FULL Life:

hope-full
joy-full
thank-full
wonder-full
beauty-full
prayer-full
grace-full
faith-full
mercy-full
worship-full

I hope you'll join me in August as I take some steps toward a full life.